Dear Non Black People

I wasn’t really planning on writing a post about this because I feel like the movie “Dear White people” and many shows on youtube (The unwritten rules), have done such an excellent job as to addressing the issues of race we still face today. “Being a black face, in a white place. ”However I think those movies/ shows have forgotten the other races that are considered minorities that still display prejudices against black people. I have a prime example to share.

Tonight at work, as I was minding my business. One of my co-worker’s who is Hispanic tapped my friend who was sitting next to me on the shoulder and the conversation went as follows:

Co-worker: “hey you see that black girl, that’s walking out right there?”

My friend: “Yea the girl with the braids?”

Co-worker: “Yea her, the other day I was trying to tell her she was so nice for a dark skinned black girl……”

(At this point, I was already turning around to my co-worker, ready to say something)

“Man, she went off on me, she humiliated me in front of everybody I was so embarrassed. “

(She was looking to me, as if she wanted me to be sympathetic)

I told her “ I’m sorry she went off on you and handled it in that manner, however what you said was very offensive. I understand as a Hispanic person, you face racism and prejudice, but it’s in a different manner than how we face it as black people. We get it more frequently, and harshly. It’s in the media, it’s in the work place it’s everywhere. For a person to be told you are such and such for a black person, is not a compliment, it is an insult. You are basically saying your race isn’t this… but you’re the exemption. That is offensive. All black people do not fit in one particular category, negative or positive. We are individuals just as you are.  All black people or dark skinned black people certainly aren’t mean.”

She began to say, “Yea, I’m seeing that now, it’s just that in my high school the black kids were mean to me.”

I said “I understand, but don’t base your opinions on a race based on your high school encounter, or an encounter you had in the past, everyone is different and everyone deserves a chance.”

She then said “Well see, why couldn’t she say this to me, the way you are saying it?”

I said “That’s the thing about our words. We can’t control how a person receives what we have to say or their reaction to it, but we can control the manner in which we say it. What you said was rude and harsh, however she didn’t have to go off on you, but then again, that was her reaction and how she felt. Next time just be mindful of how you speak and the things you say when speaking to people.”

She said “you’re right”

My friend then said “I liked how you handled that. I saw the face you made when she first started talking, but you handled that well”.

I said “Yes, because times like these are opportunities to help educate people. I couldn’t go off on her, because that’s not my nature. I wanted to hear what she had to say, and then help her understand how that was offensive. Plus, if she would’ve said that to or around someone else, she might’ve gotten “hurt””.

See at work although certain conversations shouldn’t be had, I felt like this was necessary. She was really hurt at the reaction she got because she thought she was giving a nice compliment. I saw the hurt in her face, but she needed to know that was unacceptable. She was ignorant to the reality of how offensive it was. I can’t sit down and address every politically incorrect or racial injustice that happens at work. However, if I feel that the person is willing to really understand, and learn from their mistake, I will help when I can.

When we’re dealing with people, in whatever capacity, it is important to know “where that person is”. I mean that mostly on a maturity level. You have to meet people where they are so they can get an understanding of the situation. We can’t expect to think that people always know what they’re doing, we have to be willing to be patient and show them what they’re doing wrong, and why it’s offensive. Even if we feel like they should know. (I know people do things, and they’re full aware, I’m not talking about those people.)

Dear Non Black People,

Saying you’re nice for a black person…

Saying you’re pretty for a black person….

Saying you’re not really like other black people…

Saying you don’t really act like a black person…

Saying you don’t “count” as a black person…

Saying I’m “blacker” than you….

Or using the N-Word, towards us, or even around us because “you’re really black on the inside”…

Is not, has never been, and will never be a compliment. Those are insults and are very offensive. Black people are regular people just like everyone else. We don’t need to be described within our own category. For example, I’ve been told I was pretty for a black girl, a dark skinned girl. That is NOT a compliment. I’m pretty for a girl period! Putting us in our own category is dehumanizing. As if we don’t belong in the human category, but another one.

P.S stop using the N word, because if I call you a spic, jap, cracker, or towel head you would be offended. Yes the word “nigger” means ignorant, HOWEVER, it was created to be used towards black people. No matter which way you dice it, that word is offensive and using it in a different tense “nigga”, does not take away how offensive and harsh it is. You will NEVER be able to understand, because your plight in America is nowhere near mine as a black person in America. Don’t tell me to get over it because we can’t because of situations like Trayvon Martin, Jordan Davis, Mike Brown and many others are keeping us in the 50’s.

Each one teach one, let’s do better collectively.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Addicted

This afternoon I took myself to the movies, which is something I’ve started to do as a treat to myself. My intentions were to see The Equalizer, but the movie started way later into the afternoon. So I ended up seeing “Addicted”. Now I know you’re thinking: “What, you’re a Christian and you went to see that wretched secular movie.” Yes, I did. At first I judged the movie based on the previews. Just by the previews I was against it because in my eye’s it was just another way of America telling us how they feel about black women. –I still feel that America just views black women as sexual objects. Look at the movies, the shows (scandal), the music, and the way we are portrayed or mocked by other races. They always show us in some promiscuous, provocative way, and we are far greater than that. I still don’t support those stereotypical theories and ideals of black women being sexual objects, nor will I ever.- I was certain I was not going to see the movie, but I ate my words. Now during the whole movie I was clutching my pearls, because I don’t typically watch movies like that, for me it was a bit much (like WAY too much), but at the end of the movie I ended up crying lol. I liked it, I probably won’t see it again, but it was okay.

I’m going to try and not “spoil” the movie. You guys know how I am. I need things to have a purpose and a meaning, there’s always something deeper than what’s shown on the surface. That’s what I was looking for in this movie. Now the movie did reveal the reason why she was “Addicted” to sex, in the last 5 minutes of the movie. (I think they should’ve skipped some of the other scenes and made that more of a focal point, but whatever, I didn’t write the movie lol)

What I took from the movie is the things that have happened to us in the past, will affect us in our present or even or future. It’s up to us to determine if we will allow it to affect us in a negative or positive way. Are we going to use that experience to help us or are we going to allow the pain from the past to continue to hurt us?

 Now I couldn’t personally relate to the addiction’s the lady in the movie had, but I can relate to allowing hurt from my past affect my present. Something’s I don’t have to mention, because I have spoken about them in previous posts. Nevertheless, as I grew and matured, I had to allow myself to heal, in order for those past hurts to not consume me. See we are taught to keep pushing, don’t stop, don’t cry. Even in Disney’s “Frozen” we were taught “conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show”. I disagree!! In order to heal, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. (There is beauty in vulnerability, even if it’s just you and God. That moment is beautiful.) You have to deal with those emotions. Ignoring them is only giving room for them to sneak up on you when you least expect it and put you in a choke hold! It’s okay to feel what you feel especially if you’re hurt or have been hurt in the past!! –There is a difference in allowing you to feel and to dwell. You don’t want to dwell on the past hurts, because it could lead to serve sadness or even depression. That is not the goal or the point. The point is to not keep things bottled up to the point we’re you explode with emotion and have a meltdown. The point is to work through your emotions, balance them out. You learn so much more about yourself when you work through your emotions, as opposed to numbing yourself or masking them. The goal is growth; we have to grow through things.-

One of the first few lines in the movie the main character says she’s trying to fill a void. When she said that I mumbled to myself, “Only Christ can fill your void boo”. One of the reasons I believe people form addictions, and habits, are because they are hurting and they are trying to fill a void. I mean we’ve all been there, some may have been worse than others but we’ve all tried to fill our voids with something other than Christ. And it wasn’t until we met Christ that we realized we could’ve never filled our voids successfully with anything other than him.

This post is not here to judge people that may have addictions, or habits or trying to fill voids in other ways. It’s simply here to offer some insight or maybe some help, to let you know you aren’t alone. We all go through things in life, but when we are hurting we have to remember, to not look to those people or things that will hurt us more in the end. However we must look to God who supplies our every need! Instead of jumping from guy to guy or girl to girl, or drink to drink or cigarette or drug, try jumping to God. Have a conversation with him. – At work when I find myself getting frustrated instead of shutting down (that’s my thing) I excuse myself, step outside and just talk to God. “God, okay, I’m really overwhelmed right now, I’m emotional, and I can’t deal with these people. I know you are strong where I’m weak, and Lord I’m feeling really weak right now. I need you. Please help me; please give me peace in this situation, so I can continue through this day. I thank you, I love you, Amen.” And that’s it! - 1 Peter 5:7 encourages us to cast our cares on the Lord because he careth for us. He cares even when we are having a “moment” at work. All you have to do is talk to him. I can’t stress enough that prayer is just a conversation with God, as you would with your friend. It doesn’t have to be a dissertation. It doesn’t have to include big Shakespearean words; it just requires you being open and honest with God.

Tonight I’m praying for the people that are dealing with addictions and trying to use things that will hurt them in the long run as voids. People are out here hurting, hurting to the point they are willing to hurt themselves more to “get through the pain”. They’re not in the place to pray for themselves so we have to intercede for them.

One of the lies of the devil is to get us to believe that we are suffering alone. There are other people that are going through something similar to you. I encourage you to find a support group, or someone you can confide in or call this number if you may be suffering with substance addiction/abuse or even mental health disorders 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Or you can google and find a hotline for your specific addiction.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

The Wing man

Society tells me that as a woman, in order to be considered sexy, I have to be showing skin wearing little to nothing. Have you ever been at the beach or the pool and seen a person in little to nothing (their bathing suit) and being completely turned off? Yea at the beach is different, but the concept is still the same. Little to no clothing does not equate sexy. Society also tells me that as a woman, I have to do X Y and Z to get a man’s attention. Society also suggests that because no one is perfect, I have to accept any and everything a man decides to give me. Well, we all know how I feel about society….

You also know I’m an observer. I sit and I watch people and people’s behaviors. (It’s just the psychologist in me, I really can’t help it.) Lately what I’ve been seeing is how women interact with men. The way we dress, the way we carry ourselves around them and the things we settle for, and it’s sickening.  This post isn’t going to be as “formal” as the other posts.

This post is just “my organized thoughts.” …. Just rock with me.

I was once, a girl that used to wear belly shirts, literally all the time. See then, I thought my flat stomach and 6 pack was my best feature. As I aged and grew as a person, a woman and a mother I realized that was merely the tip of the iceberg. I’m not here to judge the girls that think their body is the best they have to offer. I’m just here to share a little bit of my story.

Let’s rewind to about the summer of 2008, I just finished my first year of college at Bethune Cookman, and I was back home hanging out with my best friend from high school. She was dating a guy, and I was like her “wing woman”, and the guy she was dating had a “wing man”. It was kind of weird because I graduated with these guys, but I didn’t really know them. So my job as a “wing woman” was to basically make friends with this “wing man”. Well the “wing man”, thought the job description included a clause or two. (He thought we were going to be “messing around”) I quickly let him and my friend know, that was not going down. A few days passed and my friend contacted me, and told me that the “wing man” wanted to talk to me. So we all met up, and he apologized for assuming that, that was what was going down. He also expressed that he wanted to get to know me for real on deeper level. I appreciated his honesty so; I decided to take him up on his offer. We started off hanging out still in a group, going to the mall, you know, young people stuff lol. Once I was comfortable we began to go on dates by ourselves, movies, dinner, mini golf etc. We even met each other’s mothers. He brought cupcakes and balloons to my job for my birthday when I worked at Bob Marely. He would just drop my job to surprise me etc. We really had a great time. One of the best dating experiences I’ve had.

I bet you’re wondering well Destaynee, why aren’t you still with this guy? Well once school started back he went off to Tampa and I went back to Bethune. We ended on really good terms because we weren’t just “dating” we became friends during the process. Life took us in different directions and we obliged, and we understood.

The point of me sharing this story is because not once did I have to comprise on my morals. Not once did I have to change the standard that I set. Not once did I have to put on a super short skirt or dress to get his attention or get him to take me out or to notice me. Not once did I have to change my personality, dumb myself down or anything. The person that he met was the person he dated during that time. He knew what I was about and not about from the first interaction, and yes ladies he STILL found interest in me. He still wanted to date me.

I think it’s important (well to me) that young women, young Christian women are told stories like these, because society will have us thinking opposite. See the bible tells us that HE that findeth a wife finds a good thing AND obtains favor from the Lord. No I wasn’t/are am I any body’s wife, However that shows how a man should cherish the fact that he has a woman. We don’t have to be “showing off” our men, they should feel blessed to have us! Society isn’t trying to teach us that. They are just telling us that we are “lucky” if a man notices us, and that’s not the case.

I have many stories similar to this that, I may share (not sure though), just to encourage someone and also remind myself. I think when things like this happen, its God reminding me, that “Yes daughter, I see you, please don’t feel insecure or worried about your time. You are doing just fine, these men are reminders that you are on the right path, and you’re doing the right thing, be not dismayed”. I take comfort in that, I really do.

So to my ladies, my sisters, young, old or in between; don’t sell yourself short by devaluing worth. Know who you are in Christ, find your confidence in him and in him alone. Set your standards and keep them there. If no one has met them that just means your guy hasn’t shown up yet, be patient. Remember men are natural born hunters, they go after what they want, and they will do whatever it takes, if he’s not willing, don’t waste your time. Also, sexiness does not equate little to no clothing (dressing for your body type, is the best thing anyone can do, that is sexy, clothes that fit properly). A confident, meek, God fearing, graceful, smart woman is sexy! Don’t let the bad girls club fool you.

And I’m going to end this with a quote from my ex favorite rapper Wale. “And I can show you all this love without a bit of sex involved”

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Hands up, don't shoot!

The scariest thing about being a black woman in America is also the most beautiful thing about being a black woman in America. One day, I might give birth to a beautiful black boy. For me, I’ve already experienced that, almost 5 years ago. I gave birth to my little black Prince, who will one day be a king. And that is beautiful.

However, one day my little black Prince will realize that everyone doesn’t see him that way. See right now I can shelter him from it, hover over him, guard him and protect him from it, but one day I won’t be able to. One day he’ll grow up and one day he’ll face this world as a black man, and that scares me.

How do you prepare a child for a world that hates him? A world that only likes him if he’s on a basketball court or on a football field, performing.

How do you prepare a child to face a world that makes drugs, guns and alcohol so accessible, but a higher education almost impossible? How do you prepare him?

How do you tell him that the very police force he looks up to, might gun him down in broad day light, even while surrendering? How do you tell him if he ever gets in a car accident to just stay in the car, because the very door he knocks on might answer with a shot gun ready to blow? What do you say to the child that wants to walk to the store for candy and a drink on a cold night? Do you tell him no, because a crazy neighborhood watchman might chase you down in your own neighborhood and kill you?

You see my son, he loves music, and he loves to hear it loud. How do I tell him he can’t play it loud because it might upset someone and they might shoot up his vehicle and run?

How do I tell my innocent baby, that America would rather see him dead, or see him in jail over living a productive life.

I can’t tell my son that!! I can’t prepare him for that, and I shouldn’t have to!! It’s not fair, none of that is fair! It’s not fair that there is a community of black mothers and fathers, mourning together, because their babies were taken, their babies were murdered in cold blood, by hatred and evil. That’s a community I never want to be a part of. I never want to be able to personally relate to that kind of pain.

So I put my “Hands up……. Don’t… shoot!” looking towards heaven, surrendering my son into God’s hands once again, asking for his protection, asking for him to keep him always, asking him to help me raise, a black boy that sees his own value and importance to this earth, even when the world says otherwise.

The bible says train up a child in the way which he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

So to answer my own question, “How do you prepare a child to face a world that hates him?” You teach him to “seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you”. (Matthew 6:33) You teach him to “don’t be weary in well doing, for in due season you shall reap if you faint not”. (Galatians 6:9)  You teach him to “bless them that persecute you and, pray for them which despitefully use you” (Luke 6:28). You teach him “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou prepares a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever (Psalms 23)

That is how we prepare our children, and remember,

After all, they hated God’s son too.

If you love someone, tell them.

I love you.

Signed, a black mother who's proud to be raising a black prince.

Bullies; How many of us are one?

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s a bully.  Bullies are living and acting in denial and are unable to see/admit to the issues they have going on. So they find, what they think are flaws in other people and maximize on them. Most bullies have problems with their self-esteem. Either they were bullied before, or they have issues from other areas in their life.

Back in the days, and by back in the days I mean the middle school days of my generation lol. The bullies would call you names after class or in the halls and maybe some bandwagon bullies would join in, but that was it.

Actually I’ll share my experience with bullying. In the 7^th grade I attended Lake Braddock Secondary School in Burke Va. I was the “new girl” (the life story of every military brat). For most 7^th graders that’s an awkward stage (especially when your middle school is fused with a high school.) you’re trying to fit in, but stay true to what your parents taught you, you’re growing and going through puberty it’s just awkward. For me it was even more awkward because I had eczema. At this time my eczema was at its worst, so I got teased for that. I was affected by bullying, as most people are in some way. I had low self-esteem issues that stuck with me for years, I was depressed and even wanted to commit suicide. This is also when I started writing, and got into music heavily. It also caused me want to stand up for those that were bullied.

 These days bullying has gone so much further than just calling someone names in the hallways. These days technology will have people across America taking part in the bullying. Everyone likes a good laugh, but why does it always have to be at someone else’s expense?

We have all seen the meme’s of different people, and different slogans or phrases on them, but the thing that really burnt my toast, was this “JadaPose” and ‘Twitterpurge” that were trending topics on Twitter recently. I’ll give a little background  based on my knowledge of the two.

The Jada Pose came about because a young black girl was drugged and raped by multiple men, and those men took a picture of her naked body and it went viral on the internet. People not knowing fully about the situation called her every name under the book. People were blaming her for what happen etc, even though you can clearly see in the picture that she is unconscious. This Twitter Purge, people on twitter were posting explicit (naked) pictures of people that sent them to them. Turns out some young women committed suicide because of this “Twitter purge”.

This tells me a few things about the thought process of this generation (Well of people in general actually). Obviously no one cares about rape, because “it’s the victims fault” and no one cares about how anyone else feels, as long as the joke isn’t about them. Selfish! The bible says “Men will become lovers of themselves” Selfishness is the epitome of being a lover of one’s self.

You might be saying “Well Destaynee that isn’t necessarily bullying” Yes it is according to the dictionary the synonyms of Bullying are persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong-arm, dominate.  Jada experienced that as well as the victims of “The twitter purge” I know you’re saying “Well they shouldn’t be taking naked pictures and sending them to other people anyway”. I completely agree! Your body is yours and it isn’t to be shared with others, especially not through text or social media. However, I’m not here to judge anyone who has done that, but I am here to stand up for those that were persecuted, oppressed, harassed and tormented to the point they felt their life wasn’t worth living anymore. I’m here to stand up for the girl in the meme with the cheerleading uniform, and Terio and the countless others. (I don’t care what y’all say, Terio is being exploited and his obesity is child abuse)

Do I chuckle a bit when I see certain pictures? Yes, we all have a sense of humor, but I’m not going to pass them on. I’m not going to write them on social media and embarrass them more. At the end of every day everyone has feelings and emotions. The problem with social media is we tend to forget that behind these avi’s, usernames and bio’s is a person. You never know how strong or fragile a person may be. You never know where their frame of mind is that day. You never know how close to the edge a person might be, and your words might be the words that send them over the edge. The bible says in Hebrews 10:24 “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works”

As Christians the only REAL proof of our relationship with Christ is in our actions. Let’s act like Christ and not like the world. Let’s remember in all that we do to consider those that may be affected by our words, and/or our actions. Let’s do better.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

I got the job!

As you can probably tell by the title, “I GOT THE JOB”! Yes! I finally got another, job and this time it’s full time!! Now I know some people are thinking “Well Destaynee, what took so long, you have a young child” or “Why is this “blog worthy”. I suppose those are fair questions.

For the past 2 years I’ve been working at a place that only gives part time. Out of all of the employee’s only 6 (non-mangers) get full time. If you’ve read my previous blogs, or my testimony, you know that was a blessing for me because after I had my son, I was unemployed for quite a while. Those were hard times but during those times is when my relationship with Christ really matured. I really learned about God for myself and not just what my parents taught me. I was able to really get to know the characteristics of God. That’s when I learned that God REALLY is Jehovah Jireh! That’s when I learned how much God really loved and cared for me and my son, and so much more.

In this 2 years working at this place, I’ve learned so much good and bad. I’ve experienced racism in a way I haven’t in a while or before. I’ve experienced what it meant to be a light in a dark place. I always say “it’s easy to be a Christian when you’re in church, or your church environment, but what about when you get to your work place?” I felt like I was really put to the test day after day as far as what I learned about walking in love, and loving your enemy. I learned how to evangelize to others (although I didn’t know I was doing it while I was doing it lol). My eyes were really opened up and saw that people really believe that if they’re a “good person” they will make it to heaven. My heart broke on a regular basis for people. (Mainly because I asked God to break my heart for what broke his. Yea don’t pray for that if you aren’t ready lol because he will do it!) 

  This job really helped me grow as a Christian. I know a lot of things that happened here, weren’t right, but I know God had his hands on me the whole time. I needed it to grow and develop in other ways as a Christian. (If you’re going through hard times on your job, just remain prayerful. Uphold the integrity of Christ. God see’s what you’re going through and he will honor you.  Remember, it’s about him and not about us, so sometimes we have to go through rough times for the sake of the gospel. We are to be witnesses, not an emotionally led hypo-Christians)  

First Sunday in July, with my mini man

During these 2 years I have been looking for a second job, more so in the latter year.  I’ve gone on interviews, but nothing ever worked out for me. Rejection is never easy, especially when you’re trying your absolute best. Doing all that you can. The sting of rejection lessens when you realize and fully understand that your hope is in God and not the person/company that may reject you. When you realize and fully understand that God is truly in control, not receiving a call back won’t end your world. During this time of job hunting for me, was good and bad. Every time I received a call for an interview, I was like “Yes, God see’s what’s going on, he knows I need this.” And when I didn’t get the job, sometimes it would sadden me, even down right depress me, but I was reminded that a closed door is also a blessing. (Rejection is a form of God’s protection, I blogged about that pertaining relationships check it out)

Now the way I heard about the job I just got was so divine.  I pulled into work and when I do, I always scope out the parking lot to see who I’m working with. (lol I have to get my mind right before I deal with some folks, so I need to know lol) This one co-worker that was working, I haven’t worked with in a while, honestly I prayed for that. (This guy would always try to hug on me(yes I’m a hugger BUT),I’m very particular about my personal space, and people touching me etc) So I was praying, “Lord, you know how I feel about this co-worker, there has to be some reason why I’m working with him, help me have an open mind and if you would have me to say something, let me say it”.. So I we went on about work as usual. He was opening up to me about some personal things and then started talking about this job he just got. Long story short, he was the one told me about the job that I just received! See How God works!!

So I shared ALL of that to say these few things:

              *If you are in a tight situation, looking for a job or a better job, please keep your eyes on God. Put your hope in him. He is the ultimate source, for all of our needs.

      *Use this time to really build your relationship with Christ. Really get to know him in a way that you might not have before.

  * Keep your eyes on YOUR portion. It’s easy to compare yourself to others and question, “why aren’t I there yet” or “why do they have this and I don’t”. When we’re dealing with God, we are working on HIS time. So it’s pointless to compare your situation because God is using you for a different purpose. There is no one way street to get through life. God has us all on different paths that are subjective to us and our purpose. Keep your eyes on what he has for you. Stop watering other peoples grass!

*You never know who God might use in his plan to bless you. We really have to be Christ like towards everyone, because you never know who needs to hear a word from you, and you never know who might bless you.

I know some people are thinking “why are you telling your business”. Honestly I shouldn’t have to give this disclaimer, but I will. When God told me what I was purposed to do, in whatever form allotted to me, he told me I had to be transparent. Despite popular belief, I am a very private person, I don’t like a big fuss made, and I don’t like people too into my business. However, if it’s something that will glorify God, I have no problem sharing. I know that the things I go through, or have gone through are for this very reason. To encourage someone, and let them know they can get through it as well, and to show of God’s goodness.

“Jesus promised he’ll take care of me” and he’s been doing just that! Thank you Lord.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Is Natural hair professional?

The hardest decision I’ll have to make will be on how to wear my hair tomorrow for my interview. You might be thinking, “umm why is that such a hard decision?” “Why is that a big deal” “I thought you weren’t your hair?” Truth is I am my hair. Not for vain reasons, but because that’s one of the main things people see when they see me, or anyone for that matter. People determine things about you by looking at your hair. Just as people pre judge you by the way you dress, they judge you by the way you wear your hair especially if you’re a black woman with natural hair. I can’t speak nor will I try to speak for anyone other than myself, although I’m sure some of my natural sista’s can agree. The struggle is real.

You see, our hair is finally being accepted in the main stream. (Now I know back in the day when everyone wearing an afro it was okay. I wasn’t born then so I don’t know how well accepted or not accepted natural hair was back in those days. I would be interested on hearing from someone back in those days that can recall if there was an issue about it.) We are finally seeing sista’s on the commercials, little girls on the cartoons, and women in the movies with natural hair. Though one texture is usually represented (those with a looser, wavy curl pattern) at least we have a representation of some sort. I believe it’s up to us to embrace our own hair for the texture we were blessed with, and then others will have no choice but to accept it. (Check out my video on youtube. Accepting your natural hair) That includes, accepting one another’s hair texture. The whole “light skin dark skin” debacle has transferred to our hair(in terms of texture and length). Both are still and will always be very ignorant.

Shout out to Nick Jr. Love this little natural girl

In the past, going on job interviews I would straighten my hair. I would sit up the night before blow drying my hair, and flat ironing it, just for it to be puffy later the next day. Risking heat damage, straightening out my beautiful curls, just to be “accepted” by someone that should be looking at my resume and what I have to offer as a potential employee. Sadly that’s not always the case. At my current job my hair has been the topic of discussion multiple times. It’s been called “wild, crazy, different, it’s been compared to other black women’s hair. You name it, I’m sure I’ve heard it. I know people that aren’t natural (maybe even those that are) may see natural hair as “unkempt”, but that’s not the case.

What I’ve noticed over the years is, people are threatened by someone who accepts the “different” things about themselves.  Bullies can’t bully you when you’ve accepted the things they wanted to bully you for. Same things apply to our natural hair, and anything else.

What I would tell my natural sista’s going on an interview, entering into a new job, or just in life in general.

 Sis your hair is perfectly fine, don’t let society’s tunnel vision of what beauty is discourage you. Wear your hair as big as you want, as short as you want, as curly as you want, it’s yours. Your hair is an expression of you in many ways. Your hair IS professional, your hair IS acceptable, and your hair IS beautiful! Your natural hair IS good enough. Don’t feel the need to unnecessarily straighten it, to appease the minds of others. Don’t consider potentially damaging your hair because other people have problems accepting you and something that is a part of you, and your ethnicity. They have the problems not you! If you get the job, praise God. If you don’t praise him, because God closes doors to protect his children, consider yourself watched out for. ;-) Sis just don’t ever feel the need to change something God given. He makes no mistakes.

Last week, my semi flexi rod set

I will no longer give any thought towards what I will do with my hair for tomorrow. Why? Because my hair doesn’t reflect who I am as a worker, it doesn’t reflect my potential, and it doesn’t reflect my capabilities as a potential employee.That's what my resume is for ;-)

Be you, stay true, and love you!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Does not kissing equate purity?

Does not kissing equate purity?

This is a question I’ve been wanting to ask, but never really knew how to ask it. Until tonight, when I just straight out asked. I know a lot of the people I follow/ follow me on twitter also follow Heather Lindsey. I reference her a lot because she is such a big impact and role model to Christian women. Most people know her story, but to give a little back ground. Her and her now husband, agreed not to kiss until their wedding day. When she shared that story, everyone took on that conviction as their own. Suddenly everyone was “convicted” about kissing before their wedding day. I will admit, I too was one of those people. Suddenly hit with “conviction” about kissing, something I never really thought about. I never really saw the issue nor the significance.

Now that I’ve grown a little more, I still don’t see the issue or significance. (I’m referring to kissing someone that you are in a serious relationship with. I am neither condoning nor promoting going around and kissing any and everybody. I do believe we are to be guarding our heart, from things that may cause us to “stumble” in our pursuit to remain pure. That’s why it’s important to have your own convictions, and know them.) People take kissing and immediately equate it to purity. News flash, purity is an issue of the heart. You can abstain from sexual intercourse, but watch porn religiously. Does the fact that you aren’t sexually active make you “pure”? Just because you choose not to kiss until your wedding day doesn’t mean never lusted after that person sexually.

I’m not knocking those that want to wait until their wedding day to kiss; I just don’t want people to believe that is a cure all to purity and lust issues.

What about a kiss is impure? Do we not kiss our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters? I know you’re saying “That’s completely different” Well what about those deacons at church that kiss you on the cheek every Sunday? What about those friends from high school/ college you reconnect with, and kiss you on the cheek? Should we not be allowing that? It all comes back to what are your intentions. A deacon from the church might kiss you on the cheek, you see it as harmless because “he’s a deacon”, but he might have a whole different intent behind it. You might kiss the person you’re in a relationship with, but that kiss might not have lustful intentions. Your text messages might, the way you pose in the pictures you send might, the clothes you wear around them might, the way he touches you or hugs you might have lustful intentions behind it. But we don’t talk about these other things; we just focus solely on kissing before marriage. (FYI the bible speaks on abstaining from fornication, (sex) before marriage, correct me if I’m missing, the no kissing part.)

Now I understand kissing might be a gateway to lead some people into lusting after their significant other. If you know that is your issue, then don’t kiss. Protect yourself from all things that might cause you to fall. It boils down to knowing yourself. Know your vice, and know your weaknesses.

I got enough feedback from my lovely friends on twitter to know that I’m not alone in this thought. Waiting until marriage to kiss is not a cure to remaining pure, nor will you go to hell for kissing before marriage lol.

I was hesitant to write this also for the fact that there might be “babes” in Christ reading. I don’t want to cause any confusion, but I can’t express having your own convictions enough. We are called to be like Christ, not like other Christians. Though having role models, and people to look up to in Christ is fine, and helpful, you still need to find out your convictions. Your convictions may not be the same as mine and vice versa, and that is perfectly fine! I think we lose the freedom that comes with this relationship when we allow others to tell us what to do and what not to do. This is your relationship. Getting to know God will help you to get to know yourself, and you will know what your boundaries/convictions are.

Some people might see this as “stirring the pot”; I just like to have real life conversations, about real life issues’; I like to challenge people’s thought process. Think outside of the box; think outside of what everyone else is doing. Why are you doing, what you’re doing? Do you even know? Everyone isn’t waiting for marriage to kiss their mate, and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

So what are your thoughts on kissing before marriage?

If you’re married, is this something you did, or something you considered?

If you’re dating, is this a conversation you’ve had with your bf/gf?

If you’re single, have you thought about this? Does it even matter?

I like to share my point of view respectively, and I’d like to hear yours respectively.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

[Added June 3.2014]

So last-night, after having this discussion with my twitter friends, I've gained another perspective. Most of the people that responded to my question were already married, and shared that they did not wait until their wedding day to share their first kiss. Most of them said they never considered it, some said they needed that intimacy(not sexual, but kissing is a form of expression). Another perspective that was brought to my attention by a man was that some men see that as being "teased", and "can't handle" being 'teased'. So for them to not kiss would be setting up boundaries to protect themselves, which is smart! I believe all relationships should have boundaries. The couple, needs to be real and honest with themselves, and do what's best for them. Regardless of what others are doing or aren't doing. It was also suggested that the couple have an accountability partner,which again is a great idea! Only one person really said they would wait until they were married, they said it was a mixture of a goal and a conviction.Which is great. I'm all for putting yourself to the test, and making goals, in whatever capacity.

So again the floor is open, what are you opinions or views on the topic? Let me know!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee :)

Just do you!

“I heard a voice that told me I’m essential. How all my fears are limiting my potential. Said it’s time to step into the light and, use every bit of the power I have inside and. So what you waiting on? Who you waiting for? If you don’t take a chance you’ll never know what’s in store. Just do you, somebodies got to be a star, just do you somebodies got to raise the bar, just do you somebodies got to change the game, just do you today.” (Just do you by India Arie)

I actually didn’t plan on blogging today. I was just writing in my journal and listening to some classic India Arie.( Purify me, Brown Skin, Truth is, Little things Just to name a few) Then I came across her newer song “Just do you”. Now I’ve heard this song before, mostly at work, but I never really listened to the words. I’ve been listening to this song for at least 30 minutes, singing at the top of my lungs and dancing. When a song speaks to my soul, I wear it out, and this song is definitely speaking to me.

The first verse of this song is really what captured me lyrically. (Don’t get me wrong the musicality of this song is awesome, all the instruments that you can hear, and how the melody just blends, ahh lol) It’s a mirror image of a conversation that I’ve had with God once before. He told me I have something to offer this world, to offer his people. I have something to bring to the table. I’m a necessary and a valuable player to his plan. If you didn’t grow up knowing that about yourself, it takes having a conversation with God for you to realize it. It will take reading his word and growing deeper with him to understand it and having a relationship with him to believe it. Sometimes the devil will try to plant little seeds in our head to tell you otherwise, and that’s when you’ll either have to revisit that conversation, the bible or have another conversation with him. You are essential to this life. According to the dictionary essential means: absolutely necessary. You are absolutely necessary in whatever area or point you are in your life. In whatever relationship you’re in. Whatever ministry you are in, you are essential. Whatever desires or idea’s you have, they too are essential.  No matter how you felt growing up, or even how you feel now, you have a purpose. You are important, and you’re here for a reason.

Now our fears could limit our potential. Once we realize, understand and believe that we are essential and that, we were birthed with a purpose; we can’t allow fear to stop that purpose. Now we know that whatever God has planned will happen, regardless of if we are on board or not. His will be done.  We just have to trust his plans and his will. (When you are just meeting someone, you don’t fully trust them because you don’t know them, but once you get to know them it’s easier for you to trust them. Same goes with God. Once you dig deeper with him and get to know him better, you’ll know he’s a God of his word. You’ll know he loves you, he cares about you, and he wants nothing but the best for you. Getting to know God is a constant thing, no one will ever come into the full knowledge of God because he is just so amazing. That’s why we have to have relationship with God.)

If God has placed a passion or a desire on your heart, don’t allow fear to stop you from fulfilling it or believing him for it. I know at times it can be easier said than done. That’s something that I face sometimes pertaining ministry. You have an idea that you know is from God, but you are afraid to step out and do it because you might not have people in your corner, people might not understand it or support it. What I remind myself is that God has my back. If he’s giving me something to do, an idea, an “assignment” he has my back 100% even when people don’t.  I know some people don’t agree with me writing a blog, and being so transparent about certain things in my life, but God placed transparency on my heart. He told me people are hurting the same ways I was, and they need to know they can get through it, because he got me through it. It’s scary sometimes because our human nature kicks in and we get concerned with how people are going to judge us. Just remember, people are going to judge regardless, thankfully their judgment doesn’t make or break us, but God has our back!! Don’t let fear hinder you from fulfilling your purpose! Don’t let fear limit your potential!

When India Arie says “it’s time to step into the light and use every bit of the power I have inside”. The power we have inside us as Christians is The Holy Spirit. That is the light that shines through us, that is the power, the strength that gets us through day to day. It’s time we utilize The Holy Spirit properly! It’s like we know we have the spirit dwelling within us when times are happy and we’re shouting in church, but what about when we are trying to conquer our fears? What about when we are going through tough times? What about when we are trusting God to help us fulfil our purpose? Have we forgotten the Spirit that is dwelling within us? Have we forgotten the power we have access to? The bible says ask and ye shall receive. We have the power to ask God and he will give it to us. If we utilized our faith, the size of the mustard seed, we could move mountains! That’s some powerful stuff and we have access to it!

So what are you waiting on? Who are you waiting for?

To me “Just do you” means just be who God created you to be. Trust who he made you to be, even if it’s not popular, even if you don’t look or sound like someone else. Trust the passion, desires and idea's he has given you. Don’t let fear stop you, don’t let it limit you. Don’t let your situation or circumstances stop you. Just do you. Trust that he made no mistakes. Surely he didn’t make a mistake sending his only begotten son, Jesus Christ down to earth to die for our sins. So know that he would never make a mistake in how he made you, what he made you to be, what desires he placed on your heart. It all has a purpose and it all has a reason! Trust, believe and have faith! Just do you!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Mother's Day 2014

If you’re looking for a sappy Mother’s Day poem, you won’t find it here.

If you’re looking to see Mother’s day from a non-commercialized perspective then you’re in the right place.

Now I’m not sure if I’m going post this, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write it. People only like things when they are sweet, rainbows and sunflowers. Life as a young single mother, is not always sweet, rainbows and sunflowers. Reality is, there are some rough patches, hard times, and sleepless nights. However, no one talks about them, and no one cares about them.

Last night on Twitter, one of my friends from high school was tweeting about how it was for her as a teen mom. How she couldn’t be “excited” about the birth of her daughter because she was a teenager.  I had my son almost a month after I turned 20, so I can’t identify with the “teen mom” title per say, but it’s all the same. A lot of the things she was saying, I could totally relate to, as well as many other young mom’s and it was just heart breaking.

Holidays have always been “chill” for me. I never make a big fuss; I’ve spent Thanksgiving alone, New Years etc. I don’t really “hype” up over them. Mother’s day is no different. I guess because for the 4 years I’ve been a mother, it’s always an afterthought, when it comes to people acknowledging me as a mother. From relatives, friends, etc. I don’t get to hear that celebratory, genuine, enthusiastic “Happy Mother’s Day!!” that we told our mothers when we were kids. Expect from my son, I guess that’s all that matters right?!

Yesterday my son hurt his arm, playing rough. He wasn’t bleeding, it wasn’t fractured or nothing, no big deal. Well because I didn’t make a big deal over it someone very condescendingly said “Wow, mother of the year.”  At first it really hurt my feelings, because once again my efforts as a mother were being made a joke. I said “You know what; I am mother of the year. When my son was bullied at school, I cut back hours at work so I can sit in the classroom with him every day for 3 months. I then took him out of the school, before they tried to label him and stayed at home with him for over a month, then when I found a school I felt was good enough I enrolled him. So yes I am mother of the year, these past few months have been some of the hardest. I’ve had to make tough decisions, but I’ve done my best!” That person didn’t have a response.

 I remember crying out to a relative about the situation I just mentioned. The response I got was “Well this is the path you choose, when you decided to have a kid at 20, you don’t hear women in their 30’s complaining about taking care of their kids, so I don’t want to hear it from you.”

Mini Man's first birthday

The pain that caused me in my heart was unreal! Who says that?!

People always see a young mom or a single mom voicing their experiences and/or crying out for help as complaining. Truth is, we need a support system just like anybody else. Many of us don’t get that because either the people around us don’t agree with the choice we made, they don’t agree with us being an unwed mother, or they’ve been through it, and they want us to “learn” from our “mistakes”.  Truth is, most of us don’t want handouts or pity parties. We just want the same opportunities as every other mother. We want the same respect as every other mother.

I want to say HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, to all mothers. (Today is not that only day you can/should feel special. You should feel special every day knowing that God opened your womb and placed another life in there. That is amazing!! He chose you, to be a mother, a teacher, a doctor (unlicensed/or licensed) counselor, best friend and so much more.) From the young mother’s to the old mothers. To the new mom’s to the seasoned mom’s. The mom’s that had to put their children up for adoption, to the moms that stepped in an adopted those children. To the mother’s that lost their child to miscarriage, or forced abortion. You are to be celebrated! Regardless of your age, marital status, or situation you are a blessing to this world, and more importantly to your child(ren).

Mini man at 5 months

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Remembering God's promises

As a Christian, the most important thing we have is God’s word; his word being the bible and the promises within the bible.  Within God’s word we learn who he is, we learn about Jesus, we learn what God wants for us, what he has for us, where our future lies and so much more. The thing about God’s word and our word as humans is God keeps his word. God’s word is true and we never have to worry about him going back on his word or forgetting a promise he made

 Have you ever heard the saying “your word is your bond”?  Well a bond, (other than physical restraints) is an agreement. Meaning you’re going to do what you say you’re going to do. How many times has someone gone back on a promise they made to you? Have often have you been disappointed because “your word is your bond”, didn’t mean anything to the one making the promise? Countless times! I’m so glad that God never goes back on his word!

Now you might be in a position where God has told you something, you’re waiting for your promise, but it hasn’t come to fruition. While we’re waiting for the promise we start to doubt. “Was that God talking to me or was that me coming up with my own plans? “ “Maybe this won’t really happen”, “How could this happen, look at my situation”, “has God forgotten about me?” We all have had those thoughts at one point in time. Why though? When we look back over our lives we can literally see how we were waiting for a promise to manifest, and in God’s perfect time it does. Why do we forget that?

When I was younger, I used to want to move to Florida. We have moved around so much (military brat), always the new kids on the block, I wanted to be closer to family. I prayed and I prayed, and in my pray God told me I would. Unfortunate situations happened for me to get here, but God fulfilled his promise to me. I know God hears and answers my prayers, because he heard them back when I was a little girl.

If ever you think God doesn’t hear you, or you think he’s forgotten a promise, reflect on times were he did. He’s the same God that fulfilled that promise that will fulfill the future ones. Don’t fret.

A lot of people use this picture in reference to relationships and waiting on God to spend them their future wife/husband. However I believe this is great to use regarding any promise that we are waiting on. It proves that God does exactly what he says he's going to do, regardless of how long it takes, it still happens. We can rejoice in the fact that our God keeps his word. Thank you Lord.

I think the problem lies when we focus on our situations, and our circumstances. The things we focus on are like a magnifying glass. The things we focus on appear bigger than what they really are. If we focus on the bad, it will overwhelm us, and have us thinking negatively and doubtful towards God.

What’s stopping us from living like the victors we are? The answer is us. We are the only ones that can stop us from living like the victorious heirs of Jesus Christ that we are. You might be saying” well Destaynee, I have bills to pay and mouths to feed, and my rent is due.” We all have bills to pay, and I have a mouth to feed as well, but have you gone hungry or homeless? God will supply your every need. Trust me, he's been doing it for me, I know he will do it for you. He has not left you to face these situations on your own, he is here and ready to give you everything you need. We look more at our desires that we forget God has given us everything we need. You might not be riding in the latest BMW, but you’re riding in something that gets you to your designated destinations. You may say “Well Des, Jesus said, he came that I might have life, and life more abundantly, living check to check isn’t abundant”. Living life abundantly doesn’t necessarily mean materialistically.  Living abundantly, is living under God’s protection, being available to his power, having a peace of mind. Having god fight your battles, handle those people that speak against you. Having a God that loves you enough to come down to earth in human form, to die for you, pardon you of your sins, just to bring you back to him. Having that access to God is abundant life, because he will supply your every need.

Nothing God says will return to void if he said it, it will be done. We just have to keep our eyes on him, keep our focus on him and his promises in his word. When we face situations, go back to the word, and refresh your memory. When people come speaking negatively about your God given vision, get back to his word. Allow God to renew your mind with his promises!

Today Minister, Young preached “Remembering the promises of God” and I was inspired to write about this. It’s so relevant, simple yet profound. We just have to remember what God’s promises. Regardless of what it looks like, God specializes in impossible. Remember we are working on God’s time, not our own. A dream deferred is not a dream denied.  Have faith in what God has promised you. Believe in him, and not your surroundings. Doesn’t matter what it looks like, God’s promises stand true.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Got worship?

This past Friday night (April 11, 2014) I was blessed to be able to attend Centra Fest. It was advertised as a concert, but it was a worship experience! Local churches gathered together at Calvary Assembly, to worship Christ. There were local artist, and artist/choirs from Tallahassee, not to mention the headliners Deitrick Haddon, and Tye Tribbett.

After Tye Tribbett did his first song, he began to teach/preach. He told us how he went to a lady Gaga concert, because his drummer, plays for her. He proceeded to say the people at that concert, would just randomly shout out “I love you gaga” repeatedly. He said the people in the audience would be singing her songs in unison and still shouting out how much they loved her. He said it’s a problem when worship leaders have to act as hype men to get people in church to worship God. He said those people at the concert, don’t know Gaga personally, she hasn’t done anything for them, but they praised her as if she has done something for them. Tye said, after the Gaga concert the next day he went to church, and people were just looking at the people singing. Not participating in worshiping God.

After that we began to really have a worship experience! The Holy Spirit had his way and moved in that place, it was amazing!

This month at my church it’s the month of worship. I thought it was so amazing how God afforded me the opportunity to worship with Tye Tribbett and my other brothers and sisters in Christ. People were shouting, crying, running, dancing, singing giving reverence to our Lord. See for the unbeliever it might look like “chaos”, one might ask why they are doing all this. See to someone that doesn’t know God, I mean really know God, have a relationship with Christ, they wouldn’t understand it. They won’t understand the woman that shouts Sunday after Sunday. They may not understand the person crying out to God. When you have an encounter with Christ, then you understand. When you know God on a personal level you understand, and you aren’t bothered by other people worshiping God. (if you’re bothered by people worshiping God, uhhhh you might want to reevaluate somethings)

The problem is judgment. People are too busy being judged for praising and worshipping God, because they don’t do it the way you do it and it discourages them. People are too busy trying to figure out why a person is shouting the way that they do. Too busy trying to figure out if that persons praise is real or fake. People are too busy worried about being judged that they can’t operate freely in worship.

Another problem is we come to church with so much on our minds we forget why we’re there. Don’t allow you circumstances, issues or problems to take you out of the game when it comes to worship. That is what the devil wants. He wants us focused on the people down our row, the person that sat in “your seat”, he wants you to magnify your problem to the point you can’t even hear the preacher, because you’re focused on how YOU are going to “fix” your situation.

When you’re worshipping God you aren’t concerned with what people are doing or thinking. All you should be thinking about is God, and who he is. Worship is to give reverence, and honor to God. You can’t do that properly if you’re focused on all those other things!

Today my Pastor preached from Luke 19:32-40 the title of his sermon was “The necessity to praise The Lord” These few scriptures are talking about how when the people saw Jesus they immediately began to rejoice. They rejoiced, just because of who he is. They recognized him and who he is immediately. This is how we should be time someone says Jesus, we should just shout out praises unto him. When we think about his grace and his mercy, we should shout out unto him. It shouldn’t take a hype man, or a coach to get believers to worship Christ. Also amongst these disciples were Pharisees. The Pharisees said “Master rebuke thy disciples”. Vs 40.” And he answered and said unto them, I tell you that if these should hold their peace, the stones would immediately cry out.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t need rocks crying out for me. God has been too good to hold my peace! He is worthy of our worship. He has been too good to all of us for us not to worship him. Worship him with our lives, with our giving, with everything!

I just wanted to encourage you guys, to worship God. If we can praise artist, and sports teams, because we like and support them; surely we should have NO problem worshiping an almighty God. Worshiping God should be second nature to us.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Sincerely,

I’ve been through too much, not to worship him!

Destaynee