Courting 1.5 Stop being Selfish

No one like’s a selfish person, and no one likes to be called selfish, but we are. At an early age we are taught “this is a dog eat dog world”, “born alone, die alone”. Now I do think we have to take care of ourselves first (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) before we can take care of someone else. Taking care and looking out for yourself doesn’t mean you have to be selfish. Let’s look at the definition of selfish.

Selfish Adjective:(of a person, action, or motive) Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

Synonyms: egoistic - self-seeking - self-centered - self-centered

When you’re single, living life by yourself, taking care of yourself it’s easy to adopt selfish behaviors. You don’t see them as selfish because your actions aren’t affecting anyone but yourself. One of my facebook friends said it best the other day. “If you’re not ready to face the person in the mirror, you’re not ready for a relationship.” That statement is so profound and so true. Being in a relationship will expose you to your best and worst “character flaws”. You will see a lot of things about yourself that you may not have ever seen had you not been in a courtship. I believe one of the first things you will see (once the fog and the happiness of being in a relationship fades away) how selfish you are and how selfish the other person is. I’m not talking selfish in a you can’t eat my candy because I paid for it, it’s all mind kind of way, no. I’m saying when times are getting rough and you need that person to be there for you, are you willing to set aside your pride and die to yourself and be what that person needs? Once you’re in a courtship you have to realize it’s not just about you, you are now involved with someone, someone that you love, and if you love that person you should be selfless.

I’ll give an example.

When you have a baby, or a baby in general, they can talk all they can do is cry, it’s up to you to figure out what they need right? They can’t communicate to you properly what they need, so you have to figure it out. You can’t give them what YOU think they need, you have to give them what they need. They might need a diaper change, but you won’t do it because it’s not something you want to deal with, but if that’s what the baby needs you have to put aside your selfishness and do it.

The problem is the focus. We tend to focus on what we can do or what we can’t do and not what that person needs. We could easily change the diaper, but we don’t want to, so we focus more on that being selfish while the baby still needs to be changed. In relationships at some point or the other someone is going to need support emotionally, for whatever reason. We can’t sit around making things about us “oh I don’t know how to comfort them; I don’t know how to give you what you need, well you weren’t there when I needed you”. This thing is not tick for tact, just because that person that you love wasn’t there for you in the way you needed doesn’t mean you do the same to them.

Just think about what God did for us, he sent his ONLY begotten son, to die for our sins. He didn’t have to do that, and Jesus didn’t have to allow himself to die. He could’ve easily said “nope these heathens aren’t going to treat me right, they aren’t worthy of my sacrifice”. I don’t even want to think of where we would be if God had been selfish.-- Whew Thank you God! – This is the same thing, and yes it’s just as dramatic. We are to love like Christ, not just in a courtship, but with people in general. We are to love thy neighbor as thy self. (Mark 12:31 and the second is like, namely this, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.)

There is nothing selfish about God, and if we are to be Christ like, we have to die to ourselves. This is all goes back to free will. You have a choice to obey God, you have a choice to be selfish or not. If the foundation of your courtship is God, then why wouldn’t you obey him within it? Now I will say this, dying to yourself and giving up selfish ways aren’t always easy, it’s human nature to be a tad bit selfish.( That’s all sin is, pleasing your flesh, doing what you want to do, making it all about you) I have seen some of my selfish ways within my courtship and it’s not cute lol. The amazing thing is, God will reveal them to you, and he will give you room to correct it. It’s not always easy but with God’s grace and mercy you can become a selfless person within your courtship and in your daily encounters with people.

I have made this a part of my daily prayer concerning my courtship. I ask God to help me die to myself for the betterment of this relationship (I also ask him before going into work that I die to myself and so his spirit can be seen through me). Courtship/marriage it’s a ministry, you have to want to do what’s best because it’s for the building of God’s kingdom. I don’t want to be selfish in my courtship or relationships with people, because I know that’s not what God wants. It’s also perfectly fine to pray for the person your courting’s level of selfishness. It may not be easy to come to them in a respectful way and tell them they’re being selfish, so just pray for them. Tell God “God so and so is being really selfish, I’m trying to die to myself, but they aren’t dying to themselves, help me handle this situation and help them be less elfish”. There is NOTHING wrong with that, shoot God created that man/woman he knows them better than you. (It’s funny because sometimes I feel like I’m “telling” on my courter”, hey my heavenly father needs to know! Lol) let’s learn to be less selfish as a whole, and definitely if you’re in a courtship.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

So your depressed? You're not alone!

The past few weeks/almost a month I have been dealing with depression. I was kind of scared to state I was depressed because of the negative connotation that comes with depression. People think that just because you profess and confess that you’re a child of God, you go to church, you’re active in ministry, you’re strong in your beliefs that you are exempt from the issues of life. That is not true! Humans are human’s we ALL have our share of issues, and they vary depending on the walk God has us to walk. The difference between believers’ “going through” and non-believers “going through” is we have a Lord and savior that has come to help us through this life. John 10:10 says “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” No matter what we go through Christ have come so that we may have life more abundantly. (Abundantly means Superabundance, excessive, overflowing, surplus, over and above, more than enough, profuse, extraordinary, above the ordinary, more than sufficient.) Notice the verse never said we wouldn’t have issues, we wouldn’t become sad/depressed, deal with death, have financial issues, it said he came so we might have life. Someone might be thinking “well life isn’t being lived abundantly if I’m struggling and facing issues etc”. Well that’s not true. I believe when Christ said he came so we may have life more abundantly I don’t believe he’s talking about material things. Have you ever met a person that was poor, but was so happy knowing they had nothing? They have life more abundantly. They have joy, they have peace, and they’re comforted in the mist of their situation. 2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” Having love and peace and a sound mind in my eyes is living life more abundantly. If you don’t have peace you have stress, chaos just a mess, but Christ has come that no matter what you’re going through in life, you can still have a happy life. John 14:15-17 says “And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter that he may abide with you for ever;” The Holy Spirit that dwells within us, is the comforter Jesus is speaking of. When Christ ascended into the heavens he sent down his Holy Spirit, we have The Holy Spirit to intercede on our behalf and to comfort us. Being comforted isn’t limited to when someone dies and you need to be comforted, it applies to all circumstances ;depression, sadness, anger, aggression, inadequacy it applies to all those things and more. God is so amazing, because he literally has given us everything we need. At some point in your Christian walk hopefully you have the spiritual maturity to know that it’s better to be “rich” in Christ, than to be rich in the world. There are many “rich” people that are depressed, you think just because they have money they aren’t depressed, but they are because they have the important things missing. I’d much rather have joy, than to have millions.

As I stated before I was dealing with depression, I researched on the internet about depression from a biblical stand point, I got a lot of things talking about sin. A lot of people get depressed because of sin. I also remember hearing a sermon from Tony Evans on Emotional strongholds, strongholds also come from sin. I totally agree, people become depressed when they have sinned, yes you should feel convicted when you sin, but you aren’t condemned no condemnation because Jesus has came and died for our sins. In my case of depression, sin was still the root, but it wasn’t my sin, it was someone else’s sin that effected me.(Read my testimony blog and I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean) This person chose to sin and involved me in it and I’m left dealing with the after effects, which caused me to feel depressed. I was feeling depressed mainly because I was having nightmares of it happening all over again, and worse nightmares, which just caused a severe sadness, It got to the point that that’s all I could think about. I felt very alone, no one to go to, nothing. The devil was having a field day, making me think I had no purpose on this earth, made me think I was worthless making me feel like a burden. He tried to trick me into contemplating suicide. The devil is a liar! I have a purpose on this earth, because God created me and he has revealed some of my purpose to me. I’m very valuable, more valuable than rubies, because my God says so. I’ am not a burden because God will never put more on me than I could bear. I’m NEVER alone because The Holy Spirit rest in my body, and because my God said he will NEVER leave me nor forsake me!

I bet you’re like, well if you know this why did you become depressed—great question!

I let what happened in my past become bigger than what God has for my future. I made my problems bigger than my solution, which is God. Just as Peter was walking on water and took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink, I did too. I took my eyes off what I KNOW God is able to do and focused on my current situation. I forgot about what God has already done and focused more on my past. We have to remember God.( I know it sounds crazy because how could you ever forget God?) Your problems have a way of making you forget God and what he can REALLY do. Your problems have a way of making you doubt God and his abilities. It’s ALL lies. You have to remember who God really is, and remember what he has been to YOU! Nobody knows who God is to you like you do, so we must remember that.

I feel that Christian’s (in the church) don’t really talk about depression; I think it has a lot to do with pride and shame. I know I was ashamed to tell the people in my circle I was depressed. People think just because you’re saved you should never get down, that’s not true, we just have a God that loves us enough to give us the peace that surpasses ALL understanding. Pride, won’t allow people to share their depression because they like that people put them up on a pedestal. They like the fact that people think “they have it all figured out”. I’m here to tell you I do not have it all figured out! I’m on this Christian journey just like my fellow brethren and I’m not exempt from the attacks of the enemy because I’ve been in the Lord for such and such amount of time.

I believe in transparency, and I also believe we go through things in life not only to strengthen us, but so we can be there to help someone else. I just want you to know, no you’re not alone in this, you have God and you have me.

Today was a really great day, I’ve had some great people praying for me, and I’ve had a great talk with God and I’m fine! I’m just reminded I can’t handle things on my own; I HAVE to rely on God for EVERYTHING!

If you’re feeling depressed/suicidal you may want to get professional help, nothing is wrong with talking to someone, you have to take care of you, no matter what’s going on, your spiritual state is most important. Call 1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and talk to someone, go to your pastor, and most importantly get on your knees in prayer!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Convictions, How many of us have them?

I’m convinced there is a great amount of people who may not know exactly what a conviction is. I’m also led to believe people may not know exactly who does the convicting.

Being a Christian is not like other religions. Other religions you have to go to a temple certain days out of the week, you have to chant chants, you have to lay on a mat and pray 5 times a day, and you have to confess your sins to a man. We don’t have to do any of those things being a Christian. When God sent Jesus into the world to die for our sins, he broke the veil; therefore we have direct access to our heavenly father. We don’t have to go to someone in order for our God to hear us. It’s called relationship. Being a Christian means having a personal relationship with Christ. Now just like all relationships there are boundaries, like no cheating, no this, no that right? Well he have “boundaries” also, they are called the 10 commandments (Exodus 20:1-17). Those are the “rules” so to speak in this relationship. The problem that people have figuring out is the in-between. We know we can’t do this and we can’t do that, but what about all this middle ground?

I’m going to give a lot of examples, because that is the way easiest for me to try to help people understand. The middle ground is subjective, subjective meaning it’s different based on the person. Just like in a relationship with a human being, you may be fine with your boyfriend or girlfriend going here or there with so and so, another couple might have a different agreement, that topic is subjective. In the bible we see that getting drunk is a sin. Drinking alcohol is not the sin, even Jesus and the disciple’s drunk wine, getting drunk is the sin. So for me I don’t drink period, that doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone, that is MY personal conviction, therefore if I were to drink I would be committing a sin. -Well how are you committing a sin if that’s not one of the 10 commandments?- Well let’s define conviction. Conviction is a convinced conscience, basically feeling bad for doing or not doing something. We will automatically feel convicted for going against the 10 commandments because we were instructed to be obedient to our God, and if he tells us not to do it then we shouldn’t.( but again we are focusing on the middle ground) A convinced conscience is basically like your belief system. If our belief system stems from the Bible, and God then our beliefs should be holy and pure right? Doesn’t mean we will all have the same exact beliefs. (Stay with me, beliefs not meaning faith base, meaning the middle ground). I share and will always share MY beliefs on secular music. I will feel convicted if I sat and listened to the music I used to listen to. That is MY personal conviction based on MY relationship with Jesus Christ. Being that my beliefs stem from the bible, I don’t feel comfortable singing about having premarital sex, getting drunk etc. Those songs (some not all) are about sins, the very sins I told God I would not commit because of my obedience to him. My God hates those things, so why would I sing, dance and listen to those types of songs? If I were to even be in the car with someone listening to a song about killing or sex I would feel very uncomfortable, and if I chose to listen to that on my own, The Holy Spirit would be like -um excuse me Destaynee, what are you doing? You know better than that- I would feel convicted as if I went against one of the 10 commandments. That’s just the relationship I have with Christ.

Even at work, if someone is rude to me, I still HAVE to be nice. (Trust me it is NOT always easy) , but I can’t purposely be rude to someone just because they were rude to me, I will feel convicted. I’m so about treating people with love and kindness and mercy that I couldn’t PURPOSELY go against my belief, and if I did, trust me The Holy Spirit will convict me.

Now I didn’t create this blog post to share my many convictions, I believe my convictions are all throughout my blog, but I want you all to get your own convictions. I see every day people tweeting about stuff that’s not a biblical sin, but a personal conviction and they pass it off as if it was a part of the 10 commandments. It frustrates me to see it because there are a lot of ‘young” people in Christ and even “old” people in Christ that may see these tweets or statuses and think they are wrong because they don’t have that same conviction. That is NOT the case at all! The people that are passing their personal convictions off as “word” or “scripture” need to have a #SpiritCheck and see what spirit is leading them. That is not right. As strongly as I feel about secular music, and no matter how bad I wish people could see how horrible SOME of it is, I would never push my convictions on someone else and make them feel like they have sinned when that isn’t their personal conviction.

How do you find out what your personal convictions are?

Great question, I’m not totally sure to be honest. They have come to me over the years. The more serious I got about my walk with Christ, the more he shaped me and showed me certain things. So basically what you need to do is spend time with Christ talk to him about it, you can surely ask him to show you what your personal convictions are, he’ll do it trust me. But remember convictions stem from your belief. Some of you may not understand or care to know how powerful music is, that’s why you don’t care if your singing sinful songs, I believe strongly in music and how it is used for praise and worship, I can’t sing songs glorifying the things my God hates and be cool with it. That’s how I know it is a personal conviction.

So let’s challenge ourselves. Let’s figure out our own personal convictions within our own personal relationship with Christ, and let’s also NOT push them on others. Let’s let people live and have their OWN relationship with Christ, let’s encourage others to stick with their personal convictions.

Let’s let our brothers and sisters live in the freedom of Christ and stop trying to find a way to keep them bond, we are free from the law and free in Jesus Christ our savior.

Being a Christian is amazing, being able to have a God that we can go to directly is amazing, having a friend when we are friendless is sooo ridiculously amazing. Having a savior And a Lord? Incredible, let’s let The Holy Spirit, do the convicting, he’s the only one that can do it, no matter how many rants and rages you go on, you CAN’T do the job of The Holy Spirit, stop wasting your time J

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

My story proves that God can use me...

#TestimonyTuesday

That is what’s trending on “Christian twitter”. Basically all the Christians on twitter sharing their testimony, being delivered from addiction, rape, how they came to Christ etc. I’ve never given a “formal testimony”,(not sure if this is one either) I’ve given a testimony recently at church of how God has provided for my son and I for the past 3 years, and how faithful he is, but that doesn’t even put a dent in the things God has been for me. I’ve been asked “what’s your testimony” many times before this day from people on twitter, but I was always like, if you guys really knew how would you look at me. Well a testimony isn’t for us to keep nor is it for us to be liked by others. Our testimonies are for other people to see how God has brought us out, how God has kept us. A testimony is for us to overcome and for people to see the power of Christ. I know I’ve shared some of my testimony on my blog, because I feel that this is a perfect way to reach people that I can physically see and touch, so my social networks are used for things like this. Please understand it’s very hard for me to share something’s, and something’s may be left out because maybe I’m still dealing with them. I do know that it’s important for people to know what God can do and what he did for me, but understand it’s not always easy, as some of you know. I’ll just start.

My earliest memory of an attack from the devil (beside, the story I was told about being born with an ear infection and having tubes in my ear) I was 4 or 5(whenever we came back to the states from Japan) There was a knock on the side door, I went to the window saw a black man ( to me look like George Jefferson, but taller) he as at the window, trying to get in, of course the door was locked, he tried to trick me  into letting him in by saying he would play cards with me, he had cards. My parents weren’t home it was just me and my siblings, long story short. I didn’t let him in and I didn’t go out. Looking back on that story, things just race through my mind. He could’ve killed me and my siblings, kidnapped us, rape robbed us whatever, but God. That’s a story of God’s protection. Looking back at my life living in North Carolina, I experienced a lot of things I didn’t even realize were happening. I was almost thrown from a ride at a fair, I’ll never forget the fear on my mom’s face trying to hold on to my small wrist, my body was literally out of the ride, again God stepped in. One night driving somewhere in N.C  with my dad a car with two men where following us and came along side us pointing a gun at us, my dad told me to duck down in the seat( I wonder if he remembers that)… again God’s protection. Another time we were at one of those car wash/vacuum out your car kind of places, next to us two guys were cleaning and emptying out there guns, I was so cared I acted like I didn’t see them. Again God’s protection. Also in N.C I remember my parents cooking on the grill, I don’t remember details, I just remember telling my dad to call the fire department, and the fire fighters saying if we didn’t call it would’ve blown up( we had a gas grill. Did I tell you my God is a protector? In my young years it seems though the devil just tried to take me out physically, it wasn’t a mental warfare then it was just a physical war.

As I got a little younger the attacks changed. I was introduced to sex around this time I believe we lived in Alabama. I was molested by a friend, yea a kid my age (kids know this stuff at such a young age). From kids to family members (No incest, no rape) all the stuff in between the age of like 8 to like 14 is a fog to me can’t really remember. By 8^th grade we were already in Va. I was of course “the new girl” at the school (which was middle and high school combined) I was teased because I had eczema, at that age it was REALLY bad, so I was teased. It was really hard; I think this started my self-esteem issues, lack of self-confidence. I then became “the mean girl”, yes loud, mean cussing, disrespectful yea that was me at this time smh. Then 9/11 happened and my dad worked in the Pentagon (will never forget). During this time I experienced a lot of rejection, verbal abuse, and mental abuse from family “friends” everyone. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I was too scared to drink bleach, I drunk something…. Didn’t work (God is the giver of life and the taker of life, you can attempt suicide all you want, but if God doesn’t say it’s time, it’s not time).fast forward a few years we’re here in FL. I was still the loud immature girl because of self-consciousness and low self-esteem. 11^th grade year had a boyfriend, lost my virginity due to LOTS of pressure from basically everyone,” because he’s older and you have to please him or he’ll get an older woman” yea all that stuff. One day I didn’t want to have sex with him, do you think he cared? Nope, first encounter with rape and because of that rape I was impregnated. That baby is with The Lord in heaven. God is faithful even in that moment. 12^th grade year, seniors had finished classes. Two guys I thought were friends (shall remain nameless) said hey we’ll give you a ride home, I was like okay cool. Minutes later I realized we weren’t turning into my neighborhood, but a neighborhood I’ve never been in. Long story short, it was an attempt of rape, but it didn’t happen. God stepped in. After graduation went on the The Great Bethune Cookman, got a boyfriend beginning of second semester it was an abusive relationship of all kinds, absolutely awful sad thing is he had my family tricked that he was the perfect guy, but behind closed doors hitting me and abusing me verbally. This jumped started my need for attention from a man. Got back with an ex had my beautiful son. We broke up shorting after my son was born. This started my “club days” I’ve only been to the teen clubs but now I was going on 21. Didn’t have a drink until I was 21(I didn’t struggle with alcohol, but I did see guys TRY to get me drunk so they could just molest me in the club). Let’s see you guys know about the time the guy down town tried to snatch me and put me in his car, the man I believe is a demon… well last year (22) I again was suicidal  wanted to just die. God didn’t let that happen. I was so deep in trying to find love and being love when literally my WHOLE life I had it. I had it from Christ. I didn’t fully understand that until spring last year. Understand I’m a PK I was raised in the church, stayed in the church, but I realized my life truly isn’t my own last spring. That’s when I rededicated my life to Christ (if you will). Over the past 3 years I was unemployed, car less all of that, God changed that last spring and this fall. That didn’t stop Satan. This past fall I again experienced rape. Notice NON of my rape encounters were strangers hanging out in the bushes waiting for me to go to the mail box. These are all people I knew, my family knew. This person goes to my church. I see this face every Sunday. I didn’t want to share with yall because I still was/ am processing it. Forgiving is easy once you realize your life is NOT your own. Forgetting, well I’ll never forget, and it’s good I don’t forget because this helps me remember what God has been to me, what he is to me and what he can be to you.

No I didn’t struggle with drugs, alcohol sex addiction no addictions. The attacks against me were always physical and mental. The devil wanted and still wants to take me out but understand God has a plan for me. The things God has for me the devil can never stop because I have the victory through Jesus Christ. I understand the importance of transparency and giving testimonies, I pray this helps someone that maybe facing the same issues I deal with or have dealt with. I’m not really worried about judgment from believers or non-believers; I just want someone to know that I’m still here. I’m still standing, some days are rough but I’m still smiling. I’m still making it and that’s only by the grace the mercy and the favor from God.

And I know someone somewhere might be saying: how can you serve a God that allowed you to endure so much”… because I understand that my life is not my own. Jesus paid it all on the cross. If God allowed me to go through it, that means he knew I could handle it, and use it to bring Glory to his Holy name. So my faith is in God, not in my strength. I know I can break down on a drop of a dime, but God says I’m strong because my strength is in him. God has plans for my life, and if my going through those things were just so somebody can see God’s power, so someone can see what God can do then my pain was not in vain. Not testimony is in vain. God will use it to glorify his name.

Life and favor upon me, he brought me out.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

signed,

The girl that doesn't look like what she's been through