Bullying isn't limited to the school house...

        Bullying isn’t limited to the school house. Bullying can be found in church houses, in grandma’s house, your aunts’ house, and the houses and homes of people all across America. Bullying doesn’t stop when families gather for Holiday’s, it’s only intensified, because more bullies are together, more people to bully and more opportunities to hide the bullying, under a culture filled with falseness.  

        Unfortunately, my son and I experienced bullying this Thanksgiving. I’m not sure why I expected anything different. Now I know NO family is perfect, every family has its issues, people alone have issues. When a group of people with various issues get together, things are bound to happen. (This isn’t just in my family, but this is any group of people) I guess the problem is expectation. Expecting people to WANT to grow and mature, and change their ways. Change doesn’t come easy as an expectation, people have to WANT change. The problem is, if no-one ever confronts the things that need to change, they’re being encouraged, and no-one will see a problem with it. We have to speak up against wrong doing.

        The bullying started after everyone had eaten and was full. (No, actually right before we were going to eat, my cousin, who is really a miracle a triple amputee, wanted to bless the food. So he did, he was nervous and stumbled while saying his prayer, and everyone laughed, to the point someone else had to interject and finish the prayer. My heart broke, and I said, that’s not funny, you did a great job. Afterwards, jokes started pouring in on him. I love jokes, but not at the expense of someone being embarrassed or their feelings being hurt.)Now I’ve learned my lesson with my family. These days I’m just a fly on the wall listening and observing, if you go against one, be prepare to take on everyone. (That’s the gang mentality/culture of falseness) So I just have side bar conversations with whoever wants to talk.

        Many things were said about people, people snickering and talking about the friends that some family members, invited to share this day with us. Someone had the audacity to call out a person that they met for the first time, because they had a jacket that didn’t meet their standard of what one should wear. I was so embarrassed, that a comment was made openly to where that person could hear. My reflex was to say, “Wow, that’s not nice”.

        Now the adults bully each other so frequently, they probably don’t even realize that’s what it is. I believe they have been conditioned to do this, to the point that if it’s not done, the family probably couldn’t operate. It’s a constant state of people being picked on talked about or isolated. I’m one of those that seem to get isolated. (Bullying has happened in the past, but ever since I stood my ground, they know they can’t influence me or affect me, because their opinions of me mean nothing.) They think they can isolate me, but you can’t isolate a person that doesn’t want to be involved with whatever is going on. So they were creating a “group me” (which is a like a chat room, where you select who can be a part of it, and you all can message back and forth) for the family, they went around the room and called everyone’s name to add them except me. As this happened, all I could think was, why are people so immature and petty? Then one of my aunt’s said, is everyone in the group, Des are you in? She knows I wasn’t in, that was her way of passive aggressively trying to make a statement. I replied, “No, I was not invited to be a part of you all’s group”. Then she said oh we'll add, you. I said “No thank you”. I said No, because if I wasn’t considered enough to be invited the first hour they were discussing it, I don’t want to be a part of it. Some of you may think it was petty of me, to not to accept the very late invitation. One thing I do know is that you have to teach people how to treat you. Had I accepted that, I’d be accepting half way apologies and second thought invitations for the rest of my life. I needed them to know what they did was not appreciated, and that I don’t need to be involved with things like that. My validation and my worth, does not come from humans. Relatives, church people, or coworkers, my worth comes from Christ and Christ alone.

        The problem with the adults bullying one another in front of the kids is that the kids to the same exact thing. Just as I was bullied, so was my son. Now my son is the youngest of all the cousins that gather together on a regular basis. Somehow one of my cousins that are in their twenties is always involved with bullying. This time while all the kids were playing in the front yard at night, one of my cousins decided to put Daniel over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Four other people in their twenties witnessed this, as well as the younger kids but no one stopped him and no one came and told me. Daniel ran in the house scared and frantic. Yes I confronted my cousin, but of course he didn’t see anything wrong with it. Well here are a few things that are wrong with it: a dog could’ve been in the yard and attacked Daniel. A snake could’ve been in the grass, someone could’ve snatched him or he could’ve run out into the street and God forbid got hit by a car. Not to mention, nobody should have their hands on my child. Now I was placed with a decision, because I was supposed to work Black Friday, but now I’m concerned about my child’s safety, with my family. I stayed around so that I could make a good decision and really here what God was saying to me.

        Hours and hours later, we all went to my aunt’s house, to allow grandma some time to rest. Bullying didn’t stop there; it went with us over to my aunt’s house. The kids were in the back room, and something told me to go check on them. Firstly the door was locked, and after they opened it, Daniel was bent over holding his stomach crying. One of my bullying cousins punched him in the stomach. At this point I was livid. I went off on the kids, telling them that you don’t hit or hurt your cousins and how somebody should’ve came and told, and how they need to keep their hands to themselves etc. This is when I knew I needed to get Daniel and just go. I was faced with risking my child’s safety, with my family, or risking getting in trouble for calling out of work. I decided to risk it with work. God is my ultimate provider and if they can’t understand well, I’m trusting God.

God has entrusted me with my son. He gave him to me, I have to protect him, and I have to take care of him. Leaving him in an environment where he is obviously targeted is not a risk I’m willing to make.

        The bible instructs us to love our neighbor as you love yourself. Also in Matthew 5:44 Jesus says “ But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

        I don’t love my family any less for the bullying that goes on, because I see the issues that are far beyond the surface. In my restoration class, we were challenged to see those that offended us in the eyes of God. See a person the way God sees them, the way God sees you, as one of his children that he loves so dearly. Yes God loves the people that do wrong to you. He doesn’t love what they are doing, but he loves them, and we too must love.

        I am not saying, just stand around and be a punching bag, physically or verbally, please understand who you are in Christ. Know that you weren’t given the spirit of fear, but of power LOVE and of a sound mind. You are royalty and you don’t have to stand for foolishness, but you can correct a person lovingly. You can address the offenses that were made unto you lovingly. You can address those involved, lovingly just as God does us. When we mess up regardless of how he corrects us, it’s done IN LOVE. If we are striving to be Christ like, we need to operate in love even with bullies.

        This post is not in ANY way shape or form to “put my family on blast”. This is for those that don’t have a voice to speak up against bullying, this is for those that are bullied and think they’re alone, and this is for those that may be doing the bullying.Bullying affects more people that you know, and it is one of the causes of low self-esteem, and feeling of loneliness. I strongly believe in transparency, I think the world has enough false images and situations out there, we the body needs the realness, and the raw truth.

Hebrews 10:4 says “And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works”

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Sex sells, even for Christians??

Last night I went to his lounge spot in downtown Orlando to support my brother in Christ, and his band. (Synergy) I usually don’t go anywhere downtown, because it’s usually not my scene. I felt okay; because I know the people inviting me wouldn’t invite me to something “ratchet” or to a place I’d be uncomfortable.

The place was nice, real smooth classy but relaxed. They were serving soul food, and they had two live bands playing. (Their rendition of battle of the bands, in support of Classic Weekend). Nice seating, candle lit, actually a pretty nice place for a night out with friends or a date. The band of course was great. The music they played was mostly old school stuff, with a little bit of new school, so that was cool.

This establishment is owned by a black woman, a black Christian woman. That was very inspiring to see. Nice place, good bands playing, but then I saw the waitresses/servers.....

The waitresses/servers were young black girls probably in their early to mid-twenties, which is cool, but their attire is what struck me. Here we are in this nice place, good wholesome fun, but every time I turn around I see buttcheeks. The waitresses/servers had on crop tops, and high waist booty shorts. Not just short shorts, but actual booty shorts where their booty was hanging out. This kind of caught me off guard. I know we’re downtown and this is the atmosphere, but this is a Christian owned establishment!

Now before you get in your feelings and say “Destaynee, stop judging the owner! You don’t know her story; she has to make money, blah blah blah”. We in the body love to throw around the “J” word, unfortunately we throw this word around more than the most important “J” word, which is Jesus.  Understand this is not a judgment, this is my observation!(and my blogpost lol) Christian owned business, but still using sex to sell?

I was quite disappointed to see because we as Christians don’t have to stoop to the levels of the world to become successful, or to have fun!! I was also disappointed because I don’t know the waitresses, so I can’t say if they are believers or not, but I was just thinking of the message that is being sent to them. Yes they applied for the job; yes they agreed to wear the uniforms, but to be exploiting yourself in that way shows there are self-esteem issues. To be a Christian business owner and to allow that as uniform representing your establishment is degrading to those women, and sending a message to other women that come in there.  Just disrespectful.

Now I know we are all on different journeys in our walk with Christ, some are more mature than others; some are still learning who Christ really is. One thing we can all agree on and acknowledge is that we were called, and we are to be set apart. We are in the world, but we are certainly not of it. The old folks say, “I’m just a stranger passing through”. Our citizenship is in Heaven.

(Yes I know in order to reach those that we may not be able to reach within the four walls of the church, we have to be approachable. Kind of like how Tye Tribbett is relatable to the youth of this generation, without selling out! Without exploiting himself or the members of his praise team.)

 Now this owner, doesn’t have “I’m a Christian” on the outside of her establishment, but neither do I. People can see something different about those in the body, because of the light that shines from within us. That light is Jesus Christ.

If I could write a letter to the waitress’ it would say something like this

Dear waitress,

Don’t you know you are fearfully and wonderfully made? Don’t you know you were made in God’s image? Don’t you know your father in heaven loves you more than you could possibly imagine? You don’t have to exploit yourself in such a way that’s degrading to not only yourself, your fellow sisters, but also your God. You are better than this. Your worth isn’t in your hips, your thighs and your butt, but it’s inside you. It’s the spirit that’s within you. Your confidence shouldn’t be built on how many tips or compliments you get, but in your trusting of God. To trust that he has the best for you even when we don’t know what that is. If you don’t know God, I’d be happy to introduce you to him, but first you have to hear about his amazing son Jesus Christ, which is God in the flesh. He came down to pardon us of our sins. He died a death meant for you and I, but three days later he rose, and when he rose he broke the veil, so that we may have total access to God our father, who sits high and looks low. Whoever believes in Jesus Christ will have eternal life. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone; you don’t have to show your body or wear revealing clothes, all you have to do is have faith and trust that God will make a way. Trust that God will show you what true love is.Trust God for his peace that surpasses ALL understanding. Know that he is all you will ever need! Jehovah Jireh (The Lord, who provides) Jehovah Nissi (The Lord is my banner) Jehovah Rapha (The Lord, who heals) Jehovah shalom (The Lord, our peace). Get to know him for yourself, and believe what HE says about you!

If I could write a letter to the owner it would say.

Dear Christian business owner (notice Christian business owner. Not owner of a Christian business. I want to stress the fact that she is NOT saying this is a Christian business, but she is a Christian that so happens to OWN a business.),

I admire you for stepping out on faith and starting up your own establishment. I love the fact that you had live music, (not sure if they do, all the time) and the music was good and wholesome. I love the fact that you gave my brother in Christ and his band a chance to show their skill in your establishment. Supporting fellow blacks on their journey to making it, that is commendable. However, I strongly believe that being a woman in control with the power that you have, should be sending a better message to you wait staff. Your establishment is far too smooth, cool, grown up and classy to have women with their behinds hanging out. I think you should strongly consider the uniform and attire of the wait staff. As a Christian woman myself, I still like to dress cute, and fashionable. Since I’m not representing myself, but Christ, I know that it is a disservice to the kingdom if I represent myself in any other way other than modest. This life is about the kingdom, not about us! Knowing that you are a Christian woman, it would be in the best interest of you if you used your platform to show these young girls, and those that frequent your establishment, that you don’t have to dress like that in order to be cute, sexy, fashionable or successful. Don’t conform to the ways of the world, have these girls dressed in a cute skirt and top, but not exposing every inch of their body. My heart broke for those girls, and it breaks for you. Something inside is having you to believe that you must do this in order to get business or to stay relevant. I guarantee if their attire changed, you’d still get the same amount of business. Let’s let our light shine, even in dark places. We don’t have to conform to the world, but the world should be conforming to us. Let’s lead by example.

Sincerely, 

a black woman, that just wants to help other black women.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Why I went Natural

Over the years I’ve always gotten questions about my natural hair. I figured instead of always having to give a long winded response I could just share it here.

I first went natural back when I was like 15 years old. That was around the summer of 2004. I did not willingly make the choice to “go natural”, but I was somewhat forced to. My hair was so damaged and so broken off from 4 years of getting perms. My hair was at the worst state it was ever in. It was short, broken off in the back, just awful. So my aunt suggested that I cut all my hair off, and so we did. See this was before YouTube, and the online Natural hair community and all its cute little terms for the certain stages of our hair. Technically at this point I “big chopped” and had a “TWA”. (Or shorter) I was so insecure with my hair, the day my aunt cut it my other aunt kept calling me a boy, so I requested “pinch plaits” or micro braids.(My confidence was not where it needed to be to be able to confront mean statements like these, thankfully over the years that has changed, and no one can tell me anything about my beautiful hair!) I wore this hair style for a whole year, which was long enough for my hair to grow to a length that I was comfortable with.

At this point I was proud that my hair had grown so long in such a short amount of time. I didn’t know exactly how to care for it, I was moisturizing it with that infamous “blue/green grease”( I don’t know the name of it, but I’m sure most of my sista’s know what I’m talking about). When I moved to Florida, at this time like 2 other girls had their hair like mine, natural. I still didn’t know how to style my hair or take care of it, so I just wore it in puffs. I usually wore it in 2 puffs (yes like Minnie mouse lol in high school!) I did get teased in school for wearing my hair natural. I would walk down the hall way and someone would say “you need to get a perm”. I would just keep walking.

(This is me at 16 years old(2005), after growing my hair out for a year)

I kept my afro puffs up until senior year. I wanted a more mature look, a “senior” look. I asked my mom if I could get a perm just for senior year. (I don’t remember the dialogue but I ended up coming back to school with a perm). I felt great, my hair was “laid”, but I realized it wasn’t nearly as thick as it was without the perm. I just got one perm, a decided to grow my hair out. I’d rather have thick hair, then thinner “laid hair”. Little did I know this began my “transitioning stage”. I would wear my hair in twists, or I would flat iron and towards the end of senior year a sew in (for prom) and braids (for graduation). I was SO over the perm!! 

Prom 2007, Transition

This transition continued into January of 2008. I was in college at The Great Bethune Cookman, and I was SO over my two different textures. I ended up one night just cutting the permed ends off! I felt so liberated, because my hair was free from the perm. I have been perm free ever since!! After the perm was gone, I still wasn’t completely sold or comfortable with being natural. The only natural girls I would see are the dope girls with loc’s around campus. So I would wear my hair in twists (because I was contemplating loc’s, and it was easy enough for me to do myself). I then stepped my game up to get sew-in’s more frequently. After a while, I got tired of that. I’m tender head, so having someone else detangle my hair, braid it down and then sew some hair into it was not something I was into. (I also didn’t like the fact that these women, in other countries would shave their hair, pray over it in hopes of pleasing their god. Firstly I don’t know who their god is, and what spirits could come along with it, so I deemed to never get a sew-in or wear human hair again. And I haven’t) Also the fact that wearing weaves, and braids is not a protective style when you’re wearing it ALL the time. It can become damaging.

(I would typically wear my hair in twists like these are bigger 2011)

I had to get to the place where I understood embraced and accepted my hair for what it was. I had to fully realize that my hair is my crown and glory. This is the type of hair God saw fit for me. If I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, then God made no mistake in giving me a thick head full of curls, kinks and coils. God gave me what he felt was best for me in my hair, and I had to embrace that. I had to stop looking to other people and what they have going on; I definitely had to stop looking to the media for someone that looked like me. (because we all know the media does not cater to black women in a positive light. Yes they are NOW showing more curly girls, in commercials and movies, but notice their hair texture never represents ALL textures within the natural hair community, don’t be fooled. Don’t look to the media for self-esteem building, and self-acceptance.) When I finally got “hip” to youtube, it was the same thing. Now there are more women on there sharing their journey, but it’s nothing like finding out for yourself.

One question I get often is: “What products do you use?”  Honestly I keep it as single as possible. I’m not a “product junkie” (a person that buys multiple products and keeps switching them up). What I did was found what worked for me, and I’ve been using it for the past 3 years plus. I try to encourage naturals especially those that are new, to stop looking at everyone else and do what works for you and YOUR hair texture.

I use black soap to wash my hair and clarify my scalp.

I use Shea moisture conditioner or the old school carrot conditioner.

I moisturize my hair with a mix that I mixed together and came up with. (I have sold some, and will if anyone is interested.) This mix has contributed greatly to the health of my hair.

Another statement I hear a lot from women who are relaxed and starting off natural “I could never get my hair like that”. Natural hair takes time and determination. You won’t know what hair styles work for your hair until you try them. (It takes trial an error) You won’t know what products work until you try them. Embracing your natural hair may take time especially if you’re used to permed hair or wigs and weaves. Give yourself time to get used to your look; don’t write your hair off because you don’t look like someone else!!! We are God’s finger print, we are his hand made creation we are unique to others and we need to embrace that, no matter what it is. If God gave it to you, he permitted it, he saw fit for you to have it. Don’t spend your life hating yourself or your hair or your appearance when your father in heaven gave it to YOU!

No I don’t straighten my hair or blow dry my hair. I have in the past, but I don’t see the need to, nor do I have the urge to. This is just MY personal thing. I made a goal a while ago, that I would straighten my hair whenever I got married. That is subject to change. When I made that goal, it was because I still cared what men thought lol. I figured men like straight hair so that’s something I would do for my husband. SMH. No!  Whomever I marry will love my hair just the way that it is, curly, wavy, kinky and coily! Natural hair IS sexy! (Ladies make your hair goals for YOURSELF! Not based on the opinions of others) I also used to think I would have to straighten my hair on job interviews. Let me tell you, the job I have now, I went in with flat twists. Any other interview I go on, I will not potentially damage my hair to look “professional”. Natural hair is professional!

On twitter, I get a lot of younger girls inquiring about going natural and how to deal with the comments of others. I had one girl from Africa, tell me she “big chopped (cut off all her permed hair to the new growth). She told me that she was afraid to go to church because of what people would say about her. My heart broke for that little girl, because we as a black community put TOO much emphasis on our appearance, mainly our body and our hair. I prayed with her, and had a conversation with her, encouraging her and the next week she told me she went to church and felt so beautiful! I cried and told her, you are beautiful and you have every right to feel that way! It was amazing to see her go from being afraid of what people thought, to embracing who she was!

There’s nothing more liberating than knowing who we are; knowing that we are beautiful, not because people tell us we are, not because the media shows us, but because God says so! We are beautiful because God made us. We are beautiful because we are black women period! We need to understand that and fully embrace that.

“Going Natural’ is not a journey, it’s not an experiment, it’s not a trial period. This is my life. I am Natural because I have accepted and embraced how God made me to be. He gave me this hair, for me and the relationship I have with him, I would feel like I’m insulting him by trying to change something he gave to me. I love my God, and I love his creativity, and I love the hair that he has given me.

(Disclaimer: I am not bashing weaves, wigs, extensions or perms. Do what makes you happy, do what’s best for you.)

My son and I this summer 2013

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Signed,

A beautiful black Queen, that has embraced every kink and curl that spirals out of her head.

Destaynee