Conscious Parenting

 As a mom of two boys, that was raised by a teacher and a preacher, that was also in the military, nobody expects me to be raise my kids in the manner in which I am, They expect me to be very strict and militant with my parenting.

Let me preface this by stating, this is not a bashing against my parents or the way in which they raised me. I'm thankful for the way I was raised. Do I agree with everything, no, but now that I'm a parent I can understand why things were done the way they were. 

The definition of conscious parenting to me, means to be intentional, mindful, aware and conscious of my interactions with my children. Taking the time to empathize with them, hear them, and let them know they are heard.

I didn't realize I was participating in this style of parenting until someone asked me why am I talking to my son and not whooping him. My response was why would I whoop him when I can ask him his reasoning for doing what he did and explain why that wasn't appropriate., which when you think about it, it makes all the sense. However, I think the final straw for me was when my son's dad whooped him but he whooped him because of his own ego and pride. He was angry, and used the whooping as a way to release the anger. When all he had to do was take a moment and revisit the incident, Mind you my oldest was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time. Nothing he did warranted a whooping of that magnitude. So in that moment I told myself and others, you dont discipline a child when your emotions are that high. (sometimes as parents we need to put ourselves in "time out" so we can think clearly)

youtube video on conscious parenting

Please dont think this journey, life style or choice is an easy one. I went through years of trying to determine what this look like for me and my son, all while experiencing his very challenging behavior. My oldest son, put me through it lol I was in the principals office more than the principal. I had more parent teacher meetings and conferences than the teachers combined. It was very difficult and challenging mentally and emotionally.  Also during this time, he had other relatives telling him "you have anger issues, your bad, etc" ... never anything positive, only negative.  ( I was working and relied on relatives to help out with pick ups and child care. so I was unaware of the things said.) It wasn't until years after the fact. My son and I sat down and I asked him why he behaved that way when he was younger. He told me because they kept telling me that's what I was, no matter what I did. Along with him not being able to fully express his emotions.

I made it my business to never have to rely on another person when it came to watching my kids. It's so very important that we protect their bodies, minds, spirits and souls. We also have to teach them how to protect it themselves. Teach them who they are, and if or when someone tries to tell them otherwise, they won't internalize it, they won't believe it and they won't become it. It's so easy for people to point out the negative, we have to make sure we're filling our kids up with so much positive, the negative won't stand a chance.

With my oldest son we don't have issues like we had in the past. He matured, but he also healed those areas. I have equipped him with skills to handle situations that may trigger those old wounds. Not to say he's perfect, but he's come along way, and I dont have to talk down to him, whoop him or anything to get him to act a certain way..

Now with my two year old, I'm so proud of how Im raising him because he's getting the most healed version of me. I'm with him 24/7 so I can be more mindful of who he's around and what's being said to him,. i'm so much more in tune with things now, than when I was at 20 years old. He is very clear on his boundaries. If a stranger starts talking to him in the store he says "no no no" and he might hold his hand up to say stop. LOL When I first saw it I was soooo impressed! If you ask him for a hug and he says no, I honor his no. I don't try to make him, nor do I say "wow, you won't hug your mom". I honor his feelings. I think it's very important to honor your kids' "No" so when they get older, they know that they have the option to say no, and that it's valid. I think a lot of the ways in which we (my generation) was raised, our feelings weren't validated. That can change with conscious parenting.

Now sometimes that "No" can back fire lol when I'm asking him to pick up his mess and he says "No", I would never "pop his legs" or whoop him. I would ask him, and explain to him how he needs to clean his mess. I will even guide him to the mess and help him clean up until he does it on his own. See the old way of parenting would be I told you, you better do it now and if you don't you'd get yelled at or whooped. No, that's not how we're handling things. 

The key thing to remember is kids, are humans just as we are. They have good days, not so good days, they have moods, emotions, feelings, hormones just as adults do. They just don''t know how to mange them or express them yet. It's our job as parents to support them when it comes to expressing and managing their emotions/feelings etc..

Yes they are our children, but they aren't our property, we can't force them to do anything or be anyway. All we can do is our best to nurture and guide them along this life journey. You give respect and you will receive it. You don't need to instill fear to get respect,

Also let me just say this as it pertains to infants. You can't spoil a baby, a baby can NOT manipulate you. Letting them "cry it out" is neglect. Co sleeping is perfectly fine! Your baby needs to be nurtured and as a parent that is what you should do! Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about nurturing your kids.

I hope my good intentions were met with whomever is reading this.

I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best, to be the best parent I can be to my sons. 

Ase'

If you love someone tell them.

I love you all.

Sincerely,

Destaynee

My Natural Hair Journey

 I realized I've never fully shared my journey as it pertains to my hair

I've been natural, most of my life. My mom would do my hair in two ponytails, or ponytails all over with different color hair ties and barrettes. The good ol days, of getting your hair washed in the sink, with a rolled up towel under your neck for support and bracing yourself for the shock of the cold water that eventually turned warm. Whew! Im "tendered headed", so the wash would be fine, my issue was the detangling and the styling. Hell, even parting would bring so much pain lol I would literally cry, actual tears any and almost any time someone touched me hair lol

When it came to Holidays, picture days or, special occasions, my mom would pull out the "hot comb" , the blue magic grease and oil sheen. Lol countless mornings that resulted in ear burns with butter, that only made the burn worse lol I could smell the heat of the hot comb now. A memory in most black girls lives, that will go unforgotten.

It wasn't until I was in 5th grade when I asked my mom if I could get a perm. She had a perm and most of the women and black girls around me had perms. I felt like I was a baby being the only one getting me hair done, by my mom while everyone else had perms. My best friend in 5th grade, Kameshia had a perm and her hair was so thick, long and glorious, I wanted my hair to be just like hers! After begging and pleading my mom finally gave in and I got a perm. ( I was actually in 6th grade at this point.).

The perm was "okay" in the beginning, but as the months and years went by I started noticing the damage. My hair started getting thinner and started to break off drastically! I think I was in 9th grade when my cousin came to visit, and she had recently cut off all her hair (which we now call a big chop). Her and my auntie shared with me how the perm has messed up her hair, and my hair was showing signs of the same damage, and that I needed to just cut it off. Shortly after, my aunite  "big chopped" my hair. I had the smallest little boy afro an I cried!! I said "mom, I look like a little boy". Thankfully, my auntie is amazing at doing hair and I received my first set of micro braids..

For a year I wore variations of micro braids and traditional box braids until I felt comfortable wearing my hair. I will never forget the first day of my 11th grade year, My hair was straightened and pressed so perfectly. I was excited. Chile when one of my friends touched my hair and said "wow, your hair is so curly" I about died.... "Curly???? What do you mean my hair is so curly???" ... I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my hair had completely reverted back to it's natural state... There was nothing I could do, but accept it. (There was and is no point in fighting the humidity in Florida.) After that, I primarily wore my hair in my signature two puff ponytails "minnie mouse" if you will lol. and occasional braids whenever my aunt or my sister was able to braid my hair. Most of the girls around me had perms, or had different hair textures, braids and sew-ins,

When I entered 12th grade, I'll never forget someone telling me I needed a perm. (the irony because years later this very person messaged me on facebook asking for tips on how to grow out her hair), That kinda bothered me, because I started thinking, should I get a perm? I am a senior now, and Im a little too old for the ponytails. I gave into peer pressure and asked my mom yet again for a perm. She reminded me " you know what happened last time"... I didn't care because I thought I was older and now my hair could handle it. So I got a perm right in time for homecoming. I had a standing appointment with my hair stylist and everything... After prom, I stopped getting my hair permed and let it grow out. (we now know that to be transitioning.). 

I think I transitioned for about maybe 6 months and thought it was so stupid! The two different textures in my hair was difficult to deal with, so one day I just went in the mirror and cut all the permed ends off. At this point I was a freshman in college, and my co-worker/classmate was going through the same thing so it was nice to have someone to relate to, Most of the people in my family were still permed, and couldn't understand why I would go back natural.........(plot twists baby, they're all natural now!)

The next few years I experimented with sew-ins, braids, and kinky twists. Once I got kinky twists I felt like that's how I was and have always been, "a dread headed hippie."

Around this time youtube and natural hair care had became extremely popular and such a helpful tool when it came to figuring out how to take care of your natural hair along with various ways to style it. I think I almost tried every hair style except for curlformers.  I never thought they would work for my hair so I didn't want to waste my time lol. The crazy thing about it, is I would watch a tutorial of a girl with a completely different texture than mine and expect my hair to turn out the same lol.

After experimenting with different hairstyles, I found my signature look.. But then the crochet braids and faux locs surfaced and I was in heaven lol I could protect my hair with crochet braids or faux locs all while looking exactly like my hair. I dabbled in wigs for maybe a year or two, but soon got tired of spending hundreds of dollars for human hair wigs, and making sure my lace was unclockable... girl the concept of a wig is great, but its far too much maintain for me,

 

When 2020 came and the pandemic started, I just felt like what time is better than now? Why not live out your dreams, and do the things you want to do for yourself regardless of what people think. So I loc'd my hair June 24th 2020.

I knew I wanted sister loc's since my freshman year of college. My class mate had sisterlocs and they were glorious! I knew if I got loc's I wanted them to be like that. I've always maintained my own hair (besides the sew ins and box braids) so I didn't want to go to a sisterloctition so I did them myself.

I washed my hair, let it air dry and a few days later just started to do two strand twists. It took 5 days for me to install my twists. A Month later I interloc'd the root, leaving the twists to remain twisted. I had a lot of slippage, but I did not retwist the twists that came loose. I dealt with a lot of frizziness, and still do. 

A Year later and I still deal with frizziness, I have budding, I have some loc's that have fully loc'd, a lot  of them have not yet. I wash my hair on a need basis. I spritz my hair with rose water or aloe vera juice and I oil my scalp with my mixture of oils. I put my special shea butter mix on my loose curly ends and that's about it. I haven't added loc jewelry and I don't plan on adding color any time soon.

I'm very excited to be on this loc journey and I look forward for what's to come.

I'm also documenting my hair journey via my youtube channel ( youtube.com/Naturallydes )

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If you love someone tell them.

I love you all!