Courting 1.0

Courting: Be involved with romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

Courting is a topic that is never really talked about in churches. We have ministries to keep our youth abstinent; we have ministries for older singles, and ministries for married couples. What about the young or old couples that are courting or thinking about courting? Maybe it’s a topic that’s touched on in the singles ministry, but that’s usually for older people.  Young couples don’t really have a guide on how to court. We take ideas for other people’s courtships and try to apply them to our courtships with two completely different people. I think not knowing how to court might turn people away from actually doing it, so they just go back to worldly dating. They think (just like many people in Christ,) there are a bunch of rules of things you can’t do. You have to have your OWN ideas, your OWN convictions, you OWN way of doing things. Yes there are boundaries; of course if your courting you are not having sex, there is NO exceptions for that.

I’m currently in a courtship. I only really know of one couple that’s very open about when they courted and that’s the Lindsey’s. I LOVE them. I love how open they are and how real they are about things. The problem with only having one couple share their story which ended in success everyone is trying to do what THEY did. I won’t lie I was one of those people Before I even got in a courtship, I was like I’m not kissing I’m not holding hands, no contact at all. The no kissing rule went beyond what the Lindsey’s did (something I’ll share later), but I took that on. Now Keaton (the Man of God that’s courting me) was okay with it. We both were, but we realized that’s not our conviction. I have yet to find a bible verse that says no kissing. We know that Jacob kissed Rachel before they married. Before we decided we weren't convicted on kissing we had a fairly long talk about it lol. We had to find out each other’s love language. My main love language is touch. Now I know you’re like” touch, you can’t be touching”. Not touching like that. The way I show love and affection is with hugs, kisses touching someone’s shoulder when they talking, holding someone’s hand when they are crying. Touch. I feel loved when I’m able to receive a hug, I feel like I’m showing someone how much I love them by hugging them. I have other love languages, but that was my main one. So if we cut out any contact, that would be hard for me. Hugs affirm me, holding me when I’m upset affirms me and makes me feel safe. So we discussed the kissing thing, and we said once we tried it, if we felt convicted we would stop. We didn’t and we still don’t. You have to find your own convictions people it’s so imperative!! What’s a sin for me (besides the one’s stated in the bible) may not be a sin for you and vice versa. That’s why you have to have a relationship with Christ. The Holy Spirit will be more than glad to let you know when you’re doing something you should not be doing! So yea Keaton and I kiss, we hold hands, and we hug each other. It doesn’t go beyond that because that would be very convicting and lead to sin.

Before getting into a courtship you have to make up in your mind that you’re not going to have sex (that defeats the WHOLE purpose of doing it God’s way). Being in a courtship can be very intimate without being physically intimate. A lot of intimacy is emotional (especially for me) in any form of relationship. If I let you in to my emotional bubble it’s going to be easy to be emotionally intimate with you. That is what courting does, is allows you to be intimate and get to know a person without the sex. Sex is like a fog, you don’t really know what’s ahead because you’re stuck in one place. Courting allows you to grow as a couple without the physical fog. Keaton and I have learned SO much about ourselves and about one another, we would’ve never learned had we not been in this courtship. It’s because we communicate. We don’t have a sex blanket to run to, like a lot of worldly relationships. Worldly relationships have that sex blanket we’re if something is wrong, at least they have sex. No we don’t we HAVE to resolve our issues that same day. We have to have a clear line of communication because that’s all we have, especially being long distance. (We’re just one hour and thirty minutes away). We have to rely on our communication and not just texts and tweeting. We Skype every night and we talk on the phone, yes we text, but text can’t be the main line of communication (for us). We have to talk our differences out. Another misconception about communication is arguing. We people find out a couple is arguing they encourage that couple to break up. No before this courtship I was Destaynee and he was Keaton. Yes we are to be with one accord, yes we are to adapt to the person we are involved with, but the way we were raised may not be the same our experiences in life may not be the same so we may have a few differences here in there. Having differences is not the time to throw in the towel not if you’re courting. You have to work through them as a couple, someone’s going to be “wrong” someone’s not always going to get there way, but you must compromise. Compromising with one another lets the other know your opinion or your feelings matter just as much as mine do and I’m willing to go half way, or do things your way. You can NOT be selfish and in a courtship. True love is selfless and you have to be willing to put aside your pride or your ego for the person you’re courting. Courting has the intent of marriage as the goal, you learning to be selfless isn’t going to happen time he puts that ring on your finger, things have to happen now. You have to learn how to operate as a unit now.

A Lot of you know I have a son. I’m sure you’re wondering how this is effecting him or how am I going about it. I introduced Keaton to Daniel (my son) as a friend. I told him this is my friend; my son is very social so he was okay. At first he was shy, but he warmed up to him. It’s something new for all 3 of us. Keaton and Daniel talk on the phone, they Skype and every time Keaton comes to visit we make sure they get to spend some kid of time together. So far so good J. If you have a child and your courting, you have to talk to the person your courting about when is it a good time to introduce them to the other, and you know your child, you know how your child is going to react and how they can handle things, keep that in mind. My child is still very young so it was pretty easy at least for now, and prayerfully it will stay easy. A conversation should be had about discipline.  The man you’re courting may want to be active in discipline, especially if the real father isn’t around, have those conversations on what is okay and what isn’t. It’s very important that this is a smooth transition for the child, they are a part of this too their feelings can’t be forgotten. A conversation about children to be had at one point or another, you can’t court someone who is very adamant about not having kids and you already have some or you desire to have them that may not be the person for you.

I’m going to continue to blog about Keaton and I’s courtship, because our courtship is very different from a lot of people’s, from the way we met, to the confirmation from God, to the distance, to me having a child already. It’s not the “normal” courtship if there is such a thing. I just believe strongly in transparency, and I believe this is a topic that’s not really talked about or if it is, it’s from one extreme to the next. I’m a pretty “black and white” person, but with this, there is some grey area.

So I’ll try to blog more frequently, sharing our story hopefully it can help or shed light on courtships for some of you considering it or already in it, and if you’re in a courtship or have gone through one and got married, I would love to hear your story as well!

We’re all in this together guys, and we have to be there for one another, when it comes to our relationship with Christ and when it comes to our future relationships with our husbands/wives. Let’s encourage each other on this walk.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

Suicide...

Suicide: The action of killing oneself intentionally

Suicide is a sin, because the bible says thou shalt not kill, which includes yourself.

I bet your wondering why I’m talking about this. Well Last week a girl on twitter was talking about she wanted to commit suicide, I felt led to write about it then, but I didn’t. I was faced to this topic twice this week, so I know it has to be spoken upon.  Suicide is something church folk never really talk about, I can’t recall hearing a sermon about it, or a minister teaching about it, or expressing concerns about it. Suicide is really something that people face, you may not know who or when, but more people face it than you think. I wanted to kill myself because I was depressed. I was depressed because my relationship with Christ wasn’t where it needed to be, so I didn’t have that joy. I didn’t have the security of being in his arms, because I didn’t have faith nor did I trust him. I didn’t care to give my cares to him because I didn’t know nor did I care if he cared. I felt so hopeless and alone I didn’t try to seek his face, I didn’t chase after him I literally did not care!! I didn’t know my worth and I was searching for it in all the wrong places. I was also depressed because I was comparing my situation to other people’s situation; I was comparing my looks to other people’s looks, etc.

Well you’re not depressed now, so how did you come out of it?

Well first you have to understand how or why you’re depressed. I knew I wasn’t living for God, I knew I wasn’t seeking his face at all. I made up in my mind that I wasn’t going to continue to be depressed. I knew I had responsibilities, I knew deep down inside that God needed me for a reason. I believe that was The Holy Spirit. I was so tricked by the devil believing ALL his lies. I believed everything, I believed I was worthless, I had no reason for living, I wasn’t needed, I was ugly, God didn’t care about me etc. I believed all these horrible things, because I wasn’t in the word. The word is our ONLY defense against the devil and his lies and tricks. I made a decision to stop listening to the devil; I made a decision to WANT to be happy. I stopped looking at my life so negatively. I decided to praise God for the thing’s he has done for me in the past, I thanked him every day for everything. I couldn’t focus on what wasn’t happening, I had to focus on how he has already showed up and stepped in on my behalf. I changed my prayers. That song by Kirk Franklin and Mali Music “Give me that” …”Give me that joy I can’t explain, add extra peace that’ll ease the pain, I want that love that’ll never change, give me that give me that” That whole song was my prayer, I listened to it all day every day. That’s when I realized it wasn’t about me, it was never about me, and it was always about God. God has to get the glory out of EVERYTHING. Every situation God has to get the glory. We have to know that we know that we know that God will never leave us, nor forsake us. That’s not just a cute little bible verse, a cliché little saying. No it’s really true God doesn’t lie and he can’t lie, so he will never leave us. (Deuteronomy 13:8 “And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed) If at any point in your walk with Christ you feel that “God is distant”. No God isn’t you are! Evaluate yourself when you feel “God is distant”, are you reading like you used to? Are you spending time with him like you used to? Are you communicating with him like you used? God is a God that can’t change. (Hebrew 13:8 says “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today and forever”. )So if you feel something is different about your relationship with Christ, it’s you not him. When I was depressed I felt overwhelmed, I felt like I was stretched in so many directions and couldn’t do the things I need. I felt like everything was dumped on me and I couldn’t handle it. He knows that we can handle it because he knows that his faith sufficient, we are the problems. We are the ones that don’t either know what God can do or trust him to be who he says he is. Also in my depression I felt lonely and unwanted. I felt lonely because I didn’t have many friends. I’ve never been a click-ish kind of person. I had friends, but I always have like 1 or 2 best friends. So at these times in my depression I didn’t have anyone I could go to. I felt unwanted at the time because I didn’t have a boyfriend and people always asked why I didn’t have a boyfriend, putting that pressure on me, I felt lonely. Once I got to the place where it wasn’t about me, and I wanted to come out of my depression I didn’t worry about that. All I wanted was to have joy and peace and to please God. I figured all that stuff would come when it’s supposed to come, and if God wanted it to come.

Suicide is not the answer; the devil wants us to think that’s the answer or even an option to our problems. Jesus is the answer to ALL of our problems; he should be our only option. There is NOTHING too hard for God. He is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent. He is all knowing, he has all the power in his hands. They is nothing he can’t do, the only problem is we have to BELIEVE he can do things. We have to BELIEVE that he is who he says he is and that he can do what he says he can do. The only way we would know these things is by reading the word. Reading the bible to see who God is, spend time in his word getting to know him. While you’re spending time getting to know God you’ll see how he feels about us. You’ll see how valuable you are to him. We already know he sent his son to die for us, but it doesn’t stop there, the bible shows us how he cares for us each and every day no matter what’s happening. I encourage you no matter how long you’ve been saved (which that doesn’t even matter. As long as you’re saved it’s good. People get so hung up on how long someone was been saved, being saved for 15 years doesn’t make you more valuable or useable to the person that JUST gave their life to Christ today. I think people get so hung up on that and use that, that’s not right. We’re all in the body, new or old) you should research the bible and find out exactly how Christ feels about you, See how he feels about you, so you can know for yourself, not just what people are saying.

Jesus really honestly and truly is all we need. He will give us the people we need in our lives if we focus on him and not them. He will give us the tools we need to move forward, because everything we do should be to the building and the uplifting of his kingdom. This life is not about us, but about God and his kingdom, we should be busy fulfilling our calling, and if you don’t know your calling ask God he will tell you. More than likely you already know and you’ve been running from it.

Please be encouraged suicide is not the answer, if your depressed pick up the bible or go to God in prayer, don’t let the devil trick you. One of the battle grounds is the mind, Satan will attack your mind, and the word is our only defense.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

My worst date EVER!!

I’ve made reference to “my worst date ever” many times. I suppose it’s time to share it being that it happened a year ago this month.

So I got a call from a friend that I have not heard from in a while, he asked me to go to the all-star events (The NBA All Star weekend), I was like cool. We haven’t seen each other in such a while he said let’s go out to eat (a week before the all-star events) I was a tad hesitant because he was telling me what he wanted to change about my appearance for the events. He always said I looked like Kelly Rowland, so he said he would pay for me to get some weave like her, he would pay for a dress and some shoes.(I should’ve hung up the phone right then and there, but this was before I knew my worth. This was a time period when I was looking for love in ALL the wrong places. I just wanted to be accepted and loved) so I was like okay cool, I guess. I know you’re thinking well why did you go out with him. Well I met him right before I went to college, never dated never did anything we just had great conversation. We could talk about everything politics, sports, music, life, everything. I was not physically attracted to him at all, and he wasn’t saved at least from the conversations and what he told me he wasn’t. (Another huge mistake. We have to be equally yoked. We can’t date/court/marry unbelievers)

 So shortly after this conversation we planned our date. He came over (did not ring the doorbell didn’t even get out the car. Ladies this is NOT how to be treated) picked me up and we went to a Fridays. Conversation in the car was cool mostly about music, that’s back when I was a hardcore Wale fan. So in the restaurant the conversation changed to his family, to when we used to hang out with his friends, where they are all now (most of them are in jail. Yes I was hanging with a group of people that was into some very bad things. They were older than me, but they were so funny, and their lives were so different from mine, it was slightly interesting. So me and a friend would always just go for the laughs) somehow we got on the topic of how much he likes me. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable because I did not feel how he felt. He wanted me to tell him the things he was telling me, but I simply could not. So after tweeting (if any of my followers are in Altamonte come save me now!! lol) we proceeded to leave the restaurant. Somehow we started talking about the Kobe Bryant divorce situation. The conversation got so heated people walking by were staring at us because he was yelling. He opened the car door as if he was opening it for me to get in but he slammed it shut, he tried to make me kiss him and I told him no and avoided eye contact with him. Well that made things worse because he tried to grab me and hug me and I kept fighting it, because he was raging. He was mad because we didn’t agree and he said women put themselves in stupid situations, etc. (Looking back on the conversation the way he talked about women was with such disgust, that’s a red flag. We have to be careful and mindful of the things people are saying, because they will tell you who they are.) While all this was going on a group of guys were in the parking lot just looking. (I wish they would’ve come over, but that could’ve made things worse.) Finally after he realized I wasn’t gonna hug him or kiss him he got in the car and I got in. He turned the music up SO extremely loud I’m surprised the windows didn’t bust. He sped past the group of guys and continued to speed and swerve in and out of lanes the whole way home. I sat in the seat crying silently to myself, because I felt so bad that I allowed myself to be treated this way. I didn’t fully know my worth, but I knew I deserved better than this. When we finally got home he barely stopped the car for me to get out and sped off before I could make it to my front door. That very night, I vowed to never go on a date again. I couldn’t subject myself to such craziness, I felt awful. Shortly after I found out about Heather Lindsey and Pinky Promise. No Random’s EVER!! I stuck to my vow, until December 2012. So I almost went a whole year lol. In December I went on my first date in 10 months with a friend from church. It was a great date and he was an absolute gentleman. My whole purpose for dating (after I found out my worth in Christ) was for marriage. The world and the media portray dating as a sport, just to do it. I see it as a phase, you court find out if this person is for you, and  if you’re for them. That requires prayer, listening and waiting on God to show you. The next phase is marriage. Everything should have a purpose, including dating.

We have to know our worth. If you have any insecurities, any doubts about who you are or anything about you, look to the bible. Don’t look to the world to tell you or show you who you are. The world just paints false images of who you “should be”. We are in the world, but we are not of it. Our worth comes from God. It doesn’t come from what people or the world thinks about you, it’s about what God KNOWS about you. We have to grasp this concept or else we will continue to take whatever treatment people think we deserve. You have to respect yourself, love yourself before anyone else will. Know your worth, see yourself the way God see’s you.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee.