Today
I woke up with a grieving heart.
My heart was hurting, my feelings were
hurting.
My
feelings were hurt because of a hope I locked away was opened by a key of lies.
In
the moment of the opening I was unaware of the lies.
My
heart was just happy to hope again.
Now
I’m dealing with the hope that has turned into shame and sadness.
I was ashamed that I allowed my heart to feel
hope, a false hope.
I
was experiencing sadness because the letdown was too great, and too unexpected.
Now,
I’m in a place of having to forgive myself, for someone else’s lies.
The
lies they aren’t sorry they told, but I’m sorry I believed.
The
ultimate struggle and risk with love; is not knowing.
Not
knowing if this is honest and true.
You
know how you feel, but you never know if they’re being true with you.
The
thing about it, no matter how many times it fails, I will always love and hope.
Hope
for love, and hope to be loved.
I
read once that when your desire becomes stronger, God is preparing you for the
things you desire.
Part
of me doesn’t want to believe that, but most of me does.
I
believe what God says in his word to be true.
I
believe that God see’s my tears, my effort.
I
believe God see’s my willingness to not be weary, and to not faint.
I
believe God hears my cries, and when I’m too weak to cry out, I believe the
Holy Spirit is making an intercession on my behalf.
All
things are working for my good!
Right
now, I’m not in the eye of the storm, but I’m experiencing a constant rain.
Thunder
crackles periodically, and the flashes of lightening are in the distance.
For
a moment I thought I was walking back towards my storm.
When
you’re in a storm for a long period of time, the sound of the rain; no matter
how hard becomes soothing.
The
thunder, regardless of how loud becomes comforting, and the lightening, no matter
how vicious becomes a beautiful light show.
The
storm, which was once unfamiliar and scary, is now something you’ve accepted,
something you are used to.
I was sitting on my bedroom floor, listening to “Intentional”
by Travis Greene, while reading over my unorganized thoughts. These thoughts, I
wrote down over a course of a few months, a few weeks, but had no intentions of
sharing because of the pain they once represented. The memories they brought
back and the vagueness I’m not obligated to clarify. I haven’t shared because
of these reasons. As I’m sitting here, talking to God. He reminds me of my
purpose, my desire to reach people with my transparency. Everything I experience
good, bad or indifferent is intentional and might pose an opportunity to reach
someone in some way.
Life has been crazy, with moving, always working, commuting
an hour plus to work, raising my little prince, trying to find my balance, the
craziness in the world etc, my desires in this regard got pushed to the back
burner. It's easy to lose sight of things, and become overwhelmed when you are in the midst of an intentional storm. But today I’m encouraged to share!
God is intentional, and we really don’t have to worry. We just
have to trust. Trust the process, trust our God given abilities, and trust that
we have an expected end. It’s working for my good.
If you love someone
tell them
I love you
Sincerely,
The storm survivor
