The End to A Mother's lies

 Enough is enough.

I've been lying to my son for the past 10 years.

I lied to protect him.

To shelter him.

To keep him "safe"

To protect his emotional and mental state.

But today, enough is enough.

You came to celebrate his birthday,

but two weeks later you did not show up to the youngest son's birthday.

You called.

We haven't heard from you since.

But this is nothing new. 

This is how you've been for 12 years.

You show up randomly a few times, then you go ghost.

How you ghost your own flesh and blood?

Before when my oldest would ask 

"where's my dad?"

"Why hasn't he called?"

"Why doesn't he answer the phone?"

I would lie.

I would lie to protect your reputation.

I would lie and say you were busy,

you were working,

you were helping someone,

you were out of town and your phone died

or probably sleep.

But today, enough is enough!

Today he asked why dont you call him and I told him straight up.

You're crazy, you come around when you feel like it and it's unacceptable.

I told him I can't make you be a father and I'm not going to waste my time trying.

I told him, it's not right and its not fair, and I hope he doesn't do the same when he gets older.

He looked at me and said he understands, and he was just waiting for you to buy 2k for his xbox like you said you would months ago.

I know he doesn't understand. He thinks he does, but he doesn't fully understand that this is a cycle that I'm ending!

 I'm sure your mom used to lie to you about your dad.

 Hell she used to try and get me to lie for you.

Those lies, and excuses did not hold him accountable, and they haven't held you accountable.

That is why it's so easy for you to do the same thing to your son's that your dad did to you.

But today enough is enough!!

I'm no longer making excuses for your absence as a father.

I'm no longer going to sugar coat your decision to be a deadbeat dad.

I'm no longer playing a role in this toxic ass cycle.

My hope is being honest with my sons, will in someway hold you accountable..

Hold you accountable in a sense that they understand there is no excuses or reason good enough for you to not be in your kids lives. 

There is no good reason to come in and out of your child's life.

Telling them the truth so they won't repeat the same cycle.

Dont worry, I don't and won't go out of my way to speak ill of you. Not to the kids. However, when they ask why you don't call them or why you don't come around I will not make an excuse for you. I will not lie to them,

I won't go into details of your life style.... yet. When they get old enough and ask questions.. I will answer accordingly.

They deserve to know that your absence and lack of attempts to be a good father has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with you and what you decided to prioritize.

I'm sure a lot of people won't agree with what Im doing, but they haven't had to look my son in his face with tears streaming down his face wondering if his dad loves him or not.

You haven't had to do that.

You haven't spent years pleading with this man to be an active father,

So save your judgement for someone else. 

The black community and black family is notorious for keeping secrets.

Leaving people guessing.

Sweeping shit under the rug.

Hiding and omitting truths thinking its helping, when in reality it is actually hurting.

The lack of accountability, and the lack of facing these hurtful truth is what allows these cycles to continue..

This learned behavior of just accepting things for what they are and not challenging or changing it has to stop.

It stops here.

it stops with me and mine.

Enough is enough.

Signed,

Young Queen Mother Goddess

It's The Oddities for me

I would like to preface this post by saying. A part of my childhood trauma response to not feeling loved, seen, important, cared for etc. it's holding on to people, places and memories that make me feel seen, understood , and loved. I just recently learned this from "therapy twitter" lol. It makes sense. Or could just be the intense passion of being a Leo... who knows.

Circa 2012, 2013 ish

I've been on twitter for about a year now, and I'm following random people and random people are following me.  I don't know who started following who, all I know is you were the funniest account on my time line. You had relatable funny jokes, inappropriate jokes, dark jokes... like a real life comedian lol

When you told me you lived in Apopka, and went to Apopka High, I was like what? We never knowingly crossed paths at all. Mainly because you were like a year or 2 older, and I was the new girl. Anyway, we bonded over your ridiculous jokes, and your range of knowledge of various topics. I was pleasantly surprised to know how smart you really were. I don't know how much time had past at this point, but we were talking in the DM for a while.

One day I tweeted " I wish I had a strawberry milkshake"... Next thing I know, I got a text telling me to come outside.. and there you were. At the bottom of my driveway with a Strawberry milkshake from Steak n shake... I  was so surprised! And you played it cool like " I was in the area, and you seemed a little down".. lol so freaking sweet, because we all know how slow that steak n shake was. The line was always wrapped around the building lol.

At this point we started hanging out while you were at work. You worked at your familys store in the hood of south Apopka! lol I was living life on the edge at this point lol I would come and hang out with you until the store closed. We would talk, watch movies, joke, listen to music, the times I brought my son with me, you would have blocks and letters for him to play with lol. I remember your uncle, came into the store and he was the one who told me "you better get that boy a step daddy"... I never forgot that day. At first I was offended, but now... how many years later? I truly understand what he was saying, and I can appreciate the sentiment.

Do you remember that night someone tried to break into the store after you closed it down?? Geesh, that was scary! I never realized how much danger I was really in because I felt safe with you. I think after that I kinda chilled, and just met you after work or you would meet me on my lunch breaks.

Many nights we would just be chilling at your grandma's, watching Oddities. I had never heard of that show or seen it until you put me on. I don't know if I ever told you, but sometimes I had nightmares about that show lol. Somethings were scary to me at the time, but that was our show. We would watch it together or over the phone. I remember one night I stayed over really late, we lost track of time, and your aunt was like "are we having a sleep over"... and you were like no auntie, we don't do that... lol It was so funny, because I think I was falling asleep, and when I was trying to leave, your grandfather was still up lol you were so irritated that he was up LOL ...(RIP Grip)

I'm gonna fast forward to our first real date lol

Do you remember how you asked me out? lol You were like " Dezzz, would you like to go on a corny date with me" You always called me "Dezzz with 3 Z's" lol I always teased you about being corny, because you knew you were so damn funny! Anyway, you took me to Cranes Roost, to have a picnic, we walked, held hands and fed the birds. You threw the bread over my head so the birds could fly right over me. You thought, that was just so funny (eye roll) I would insert the picture you took here, but I don't know if I still have it! Afterwards we got frozen yogurt and went to Marshalls just to look around. I saw a different side of you that day.

I remember your babygirls birthday party, you invited Daniel and I to come. Honestly I was thinking oh just a few people with their kids, NO! Your whole family was there lol I had already met most of them, but I was like WOW lol I had a moment of feeling overwhelmed by how many people were there and the questions that were asked, I stepped outside and said I was "watching the kids" on the waterslide and trampoline lol You came out to see if I was good, which I was. You were always mindful how I felt, I appreciated you for that.

Fast forward some years to 2017... I'm New Orleans, Well Mississippi just got back from NOLA because it's Essence Festival. I was in Walmart, having a very frustrating moment and I called you. I even sat in the parking lot and let you talk me off the ledge lol. You were good at that, because you were always able to find the humor in the situation. Which I later found out was your trauma response, and the anxiety you felt to always be the funny man in tough situations. I appreciate you for always pushing through that to cheer me up.

When I announced the birth of my 2nd son, you were beyond shocked, but at this point we had many ups and downs and were just in a neutral spot, or so I thought. I knew you would be hurt, but didn't really realize how hurt you would be.  The last time we spoke, was about a year ago? You were telling me about the daycare you and your family were starting, sending me pictures of the progress, and the physical work you did.

Do you remember comparing our love to that of a "90's rom com" ? lol your words! lol And it was.

I remember you asking me if I believed in Soul mates. You felt like we were, or we were connected somehow, because we would have the same exact dreams, or telepathically know how the other was feeling. People reading this, might think it's probably a soul tie. Assuming we had sex, but we never did. You respected me, and saw more value in my mind, in my heart and friendship, so we didn't jeopardize it. I thank you for that.

That is why I'm writing this. You've been on my heart and mind heavy this week. HEAVY okay? lol. I don't know what it means. I don't know if this is muscle memory, and it's time for us to catch up on our lives? I don't know if it's because I was deep in my depression, and stayed there far too long, and knew that only you could truly understand how I felt in those moments and needed my friend. I have no idea! I look back and realize apart of our situationship was codependency and was toxic at times. I saw depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation from your perspective, a male perspective. I saw what it meant to have a loving family through yours. I know there were times I failed you as a friend, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the nights you called because you needed me to talk you off the ledge and I wasn't there. I'm sorry for the times I got mad at you for not being there to talk me down. I'm sorry for the last argument we had. No excuses, we were both young and filled with anger, fear and just in need of love, and although we found comfort in one another, we didn't know how to properly navigate it with one another.

You know this has been in my drafts for months upon months?5 months to be exact. Publishing this, or finishing this would mean the end of our love story, and I never knew if I was ready for that. How can I hold on to something that happened so long ago? How could I hope that you would reach back out to me? How long should one wait? The crazy thing is I know you haven't forgotten me, and all we've been through. And I will never forget you. I know you feel the same.

So I'm going to publish this, as scary as it is to let other people into our world. Our relatively safe space. I'm doing it. I hope some how you see this and it makes you smile, and laugh and think of the good times we shared. I hope this gives perspective to those reading, and brings hope. In whatever way hope is needed, I hope it's found within this. 

I also hope this is freeing. It's okay to love, let go and love again as many times as you need to. Don't give up, because I haven't.

If you love someone tell them,

I love you all

signed,

Destaynee.

RELEASE THAT SHIT

The sun is shining so bright. It's probably over 90 degrees but the kiss from the sun is so warm, calm and familiar.

The tree's and the grass are so green, every so often the breeze blows to let you know you its okay.

it's okay to let go...

It's okay to release...

It's okay to release the sense of self doubt. Thoughts that were created because you trusted people, you opened up and shared with them. Only for those same people to shoot down your idea's, and tell you they could never work..

I release the fact that I for a moment believed them.

I release the fact that I went against my better judgement, my intuition, what I know to be true. 

I release the fact that trying to see the good in people who have proven to mean me no good, was a waste of time.

I release the pain and frustration that it has brought me.

I release the notion that I have to "tone it down" so people can receive me better.

I release the responsibility of explaining and over explaining who I am, and why I am.

I release the thought that I owe anybody other than my kids anything,

I release the negative thoughts as it pertains to my gifts and talents..

I'm am talented and gifted, and everyone may not see it, but the ones that do, get it.

I release the thoughts of feeling like I waited too late,

I release the fact that I'm out here alone, or that I''ll always be alone.

I am not alone, nor will I ever be.

Tonight is the full moon, and these are some of the things I'm releasing. Of course, releasing, and letting go of things, mind sets, attitudes, etc can be done at any given time. It's just extra special to do it with the full moon. Do as your spirit leads and guides you to do.

I would encourage you to release and let go of anything negative as soon and as often as possible. Far too often we hold on to things, words, experiences that hurt us and carry it with is. Not realizing how detrimental that is to our mental, emotional and even physical state of being.

Please find a way to release negativity, or hurtful things. For me the best way is to write it out, or verbalize it. I might got on a rant on IG, or call and talk to someone or even just talk to God, the tree's, my dogs lol. Other times I'll write it out in my journal. 

You might channel your emotions in other creative ways and that's fine, as long as you don't let it consume you.

Release that shit!

If you love someone tell them.

I love you all

Signed,

Destaynee aka Quiet Fire,