REAL HOT MOM SHIT!

IF you follow me on social media, I'm sure you've seen me say "Real Hot Mom Shit" at some point. It's my little twist on Meg the Stallion's "Real Hot girl Shit". You know how "we" are in society, needing/wanting to feel like we belong, when reality is we belong right where we are. with or without a label. However, although I love the City girls, I feel I'm too old to be one lol. So for me it's "Real Hot Mom Shit.

Being a mother is such a wonderful experience, which really requires your all. I can only speak from the side of being a single mother... like it's all me, all day, every day. There are no weekends off, no nights off, like literally 24/7 365. Now with corona its like double that lol. Don't ever get it twisted I love my boys more than anything. However, I see how it's easy to lose yourself in being a mother.

Your name is no longer your name. Your name is Daniel/Devin's mom. You're expected to act as such at all times. Your individuality is lost in your role. You have people watching your every move. People who you don't even think are watching. Making comments "you dress like that around your kids?, You listen to that in the house? Can your kids hear?, You take your kids with you where?" You want to get what pierced? How will that effect your kids?" So many unsolicited opinions, questions etc about what you do with your life.

I know you're like Des, fuck them people and live your life.

That's what "Real Hot Mom Shit" is about., not giving way to other people's opinions on my life. Period!

I have a cousin, who has in the past made comments like "girl we wanna see that bawdy"... Now back in the day since like 15 I was always wearing a short shirt, showing off my stomach (I was heavily influenced by Aaliyah) , flaunting my body, posting pictures with no cares. Even after I had my first son, but with my last son. its taken some time for me to feel secure in my mother of two body. Like I know I'm fine, but it's taking time for me to let others see that I am. lol

(This was after my first son. Early 20's)

Every time I log onto social media, or even turn on the tv, it's flooded with women showing their bodies. Mostly women who have had some work done to their bodies, and it's like okay, so it's okay to "glorify" these man made bodies, but if a Real ass mom, shows her real ass body. It's a problem and I'ma have somebody in my DM's talking shit, or telling me to value myself. As if sharing with you the blessing that is this body that created, carried and birthed 2 beautiful lives is something that isn't valued because it's on IG. - Chile Please.

I've had to literally tell myself "Des, stop comparing your body to hers, she's had a bbl, tummy tuck, lipo and a breast lift... it's not realistic to compare yourself to that. (its not healthy or advised to compare yourself to others period, but again.. it's human nature) Some of you cant understand or don't want to understand and that's fine.

This is for those of us that are finding ourselves in different places, mentally, physically, and emotionally Accepting every part of that journey, no matter how foreign it is. For those of us that are canceling out the unsolicited opinions, the gaslighting, the nice nasty comments. Those of us that are constantly juggling different hats. Those of us that still don't feel like ourselves, but fighting daily to get back to you. Chile, I see you and I'm there with you.

Put the phone down, turn the tv off. Go outside turn on music and just dance, sing, write, or simply just exist in that moment.

"Real Hot Mom Shit" means whatever the fuck you need it to mean! Period!

If you love someone tell them,

I love you

Signed,

Destaynee

SEASONAL DEPRESSION

"Wow,

Here we are again.

It felt like moments ago we were just saying goodbye.

But here you are... in my face saying "hi".

As if we're on good terms.

As if you treated me kind.

As if you deserve to be in my presence.

The nerve of you to walk in here uninvited, unannounced,

you know how much I hate that shit!

Catching me off guard, while I'm curled up in my bed watching Lifetime movies minding my business.

Although you weren't invited, I was expecting you to pull this toxic shit.

So I made sure to prepare myself.

I'm mindful of the things I watch, the music I listen to, the people I talk to and the foods I eat.

I even put up my Christmas decorations up early to combat this muscle memory of this seasonal depression."

My tribe.

Seasonal depression is very real and something a lot of people deal with. Some don't even realize it's something they deal with.

Be it the weather changes, the holidays and lack of funds, family or friends. This time of the year can be hard on some folks, and you aren't alone. I've struggled with this battle many times, but the last time, was the last time!

This "thanksgiving" (a holiday we don't celebrate) was the first in years that me and the boys didn't pack up and leave to escape. So I had to face this head on, and I think I did good. We didn't worry about the social norms, or what we were "missing out on". We spent quality time, playing games, went to the river, the park, watched movies etc.

Also, lastnight was a full moon. I set out my moon water, my crystals, we set our intentions under the moon (basically prayers, asking for what we want and believing we will receive it,) and we danced under the moonlight. We all woke up feeling refreshed, and so happy knowing that we deserve happiness in whatever capacity that means for us.

So if you too have, or should I say had the muscle memory of seasonal depression (we have to be intentional and mindful about the words we speak. There is power in our words and thoughts). I pray you find peace and joy in whatever capacity that's fitting for you. Set your intentions, say your affirmations, know that there is better out there for you and believe you are deserving of it.

If you love someone, tell them,

I love you all.

Signed,

Happy and Hopeful. ✶

WHO ARE YOU?

Do you know who you are?

Have you ever asked yourself this question, and actually found an accurate response?  It's easy to say "I'm a daughter, a sister, a mother, a neighbor. a co worker" but that doesn't get into the essence of who you truly are.

You know all my life I've been told who I am.

My teachers in elementary would say I "talked too much or not enough." My parents would say I'm "shy and quiet". My friends parents would say I'm "defiant or difficult". My aunts and cousins on my mom's side would call me "mean", one would even call me an "ugly skinny black bitch"

And to be honest I was none of those things ( I mean...... back then I was really skinny, so I guess you could say I was THAT bitch lol). All of those words used to describe me was based on a response to something that was said or done to me.

We grew up in a household where we were constantly told "children should be seen and not heard".. so of course to my parents I was quiet and shy! Which resulted in talking too much in school, because that was the only place I could talk. I was called difficult or defiant, because I stood firm in what I believed or wanted, and could never be swayed. To have that mindset and power as a child, is actually a blessing. I never gave into peer pressure. If anyone tired to pressure me, my friends would defend me and say why would you ask her that, you know she doesn't do that shit!  Of course my mom's family would say I was "mean", which again was a response to the way I was treated by them. (the irony)

Knowing who I am, and what I am is important to me not just because I'm a mother who will have to help my boys navigate and figure out who they are but so I can operate in the true essence of who I am, The fullness and wholeness of who Destaynee is!

I went through life with people only and always saying something negative about me so much to the point I actually believed it. I would say things like "yea, I'm mean" or "I cant do that I'm shy". Girl how are you shy when you are sitting on a panel, with doctors and principals talking to parents about connecting /raising their children. ( at the time I was like 23) Nothing about that is "shy"!  How are you connecting with adults and children from various backgrounds? how are you able to mentor young women if you are "mean"?

It was all a lie!!!

We have to be extremely careful of the things we allow people to speak over us, and what we decide to internalize. I don't allow anyone to speak negatively about my kids to me or to them. For example, my youngest is 2, some would say oh "terrible twos"... Where? Not over here. He's only been on this earth for 2 years, He's still learning how to express how he feels. He's still learning why he feels the way he feels! . Just like I have rough days, I expect my children to have rough days as well. I'm not going to place a negative label on my child, so he can internalize that, and then make choices to behave that way because of the label I placed. No!

Your words are very powerful, and you have to be mindful with how you use them. Life and death is in the power of the tongue!

Being a single parent can make it easy to lose yourself in your kids. Between the school work, practices, the latest Xbox or Play Station games, nurturing them, feeding and protecting their minds and souls, entertaining them and the list goes on chile. It's important to know motherhood, is a piece of what you do but its not solely who you are. We have to know who we are, not based on our titles, our profession, diplomas, cars, property etc. Who are you? Not what people say about you, but who you are when you aren't performing at the job,

When I was a child I used to say I was a hippie (I dressed like it too lol), when I was like 21, I would say I'm a dread headed hippie at heart. Look at me now. A loc'd mf'n Goddess. And for me that means so many things. None of which are negative, because I am able to see what are responses to trauma, and what is from the core of my being. What's from my Soul and Spirit, not what's from my mind. The mind can be easily influenced and manipulated, The Soul and Spirit is who you are, and who you will always be.

I challenge you, to ask yourself, "who am I?" Not who people tell you, you are, not based on the likes and comments you received, but who are you in your spirit and soul?

If you love someone tell them,

I love you,

Signed.

Quiet Fire.

IM SORRY

I want to start off by apologizing.

I'm sorry

When I first got you I was so excited. So happy to have you in my life, apart of my family, apart of my tribe.

You were welcomed, arms wide open. Received and wanted by us all.

As time passed things started to change.

I'm sorry.

You lost your excitement, your joy, that sparkle in your eye.

Your smile started to fade, even you color wasn't the same.

You became dry and brittle.

I'm Sorry.

I never really understood your plight, but I tried.

The thick crowds that tried to hinder your growth, the leeches that would hide behind your beauty and joy. Sucking you dry, day by day.

The slick sneaks that thrived in your sadness, not asking or caring how you felt, when they lived rent free in your emotions.

I'm Sorry.

I didn't see the signs earlier.

But I'm here now.

I'm here to work with you, through your thick dry roots.

I'm here to help get the leeches and slick sneaks out of your heart and soul.

I'm here to talk to you and listen, to you share your experience.

I'm here to nourish you back to health, to the point where you are no longer ignored, but blooming.

Showing off your beauty from the inside out.

I'm here for you 24/7 - 365 just like you will be for me.

My Yellow annual mums.

I'm Sorry.

If you love someone tell them.

I love you.

Destaynee

Conceal Carry Class -My Experience

Do you own a fire arm?

Have you ever shot a fire arm?

Do you have your gun license, to conceal carry?

Today I took a Conceal Carry Weapon class, and I must share my experience. I will also offer some background as it pertains to my experience (or lack thereof) with guns.

I grew up as a military brat. My dad served in the Air Force, my whole life . (he's currently retired). As a children we weren't really exposed to guns. The only gun we saw was the Nintendo Gun for the duck game. lol My dad did have some very old school guns, but they were for decoration only.

One day, I remember going into the trunk of my dad's MR2 and finding a shoe box. I picked up the shoe box and was like wow, what is in here? This is SO heavy. So me being the curious little girl I was, I opened the shoebox to find a "wash cloth". I was like, there is no way this is all that's in here. So I unraveled the wash cloth only to find a gun. I froze. I covered the gun back and closed the box and threw it back in the trunk and closed it. I haven't never seen a real life gun, that close before until that moment.

I don't remember if I told my parents that I found the gun that day. I think I was so shocked, and scared. I had questions like. Why do they have a gun? What is it for? Who are they going to use it on? LOL

We were pretty sheltered as kids with my dad being military AND a preacher, they were very strict on us, and kept a lot of the world away from us. I had no idea, what it meant to protect and defend your home and family until I got older. I had no idea about robberies, home invasions etc. and the importance of people utilizing their second amendment.

Up until probably the past few years I've been thinking about taking "gun classes" and learning more about my rights as an American to bear arms. More than ever in the past few months. The climate of the world is in such a place, people are killing people left and right, people are being threatened and The President is giving dog signals to white supremacist groups to "stand back and stand by".... Not telling them TO STOP taking matters into their own hands, not to allow police and the justice system to do their job, but for them to "stand back, and stand by".

The reaction from those groups was incredible and that REALLY prompted me to make sure I utilize my right to bear arms, to protect myself and my family from any lethal threats or attempts, from anyone.

Today's class was so amazing. It was so informative, hands on, with demonstrations, practical real life scenarios, When to shoot, and when not to shoot, along with the information from Florida Statute 790.06 . I by no means can teach that class but I will share 4 universal gun rules.

1.) Treat every gun as if it's loaded.

2.) Never point your gun at anything you're not ready to destroy.

3.) Keep your finger off the trigger.

4.) Always be sure of your target, and what's behind it.  

I recommend taking this class, even if you don't want to purchase a gun. I think it's better to have the information and never have to use it, rather than to need the information and don't have it. I left this class feeling way more confident handling a gun, and owning one. Guns are not bad, they just get into the hands of bad people, who don't have proper training, or the mature mind to handle something as serious as a fire arm.

After the class, we went to the shooting range. I' have never shot a gun before in my life. Pulling up to the shooting range which was outdoors, I saw a whole bunch of people that don't look like me, with huge high powered riffles. My instructor which is also my cousin, reassured us that nothing would happen to us.(That is a thought that crosses my mind when I enter spaces where I am completely out number by people that may want to cause harm to me. It shouldn't have to be that way, but it is.)

We shot 2 different types of guns. A glock, and an AR15. My first time shooting, and I think I did pretty good when hitting my targets. I used the skills I learned from class and applied them when firing. I can't wait to go again LOL.

Moving forward, I plan to keep my skills up by going to the range often. I plan to teach my oldest son gun safety, and when he's old enough get him on the range. I want him to have a respect for weapons, but I don't want them to be such a mystery that he tries to sneak and play with them. You know how everything that's "forbidden", kids gravitate towards? Yea we have to put an end to that and teach them to respect it. How to be safe, and of course not to touch or play with it.

I'm so proud of my cousin because he is reaching people that look like us, that need this training, that have these questions, and may not feel safe going to other people for training. Our community needs to take the time to get their license, and go to the range, to practice their skills. Teach our kids, the safety measures and to utilize our right to bear arms! Period!

-If you don't have your conceal carry license will you consider it?

-Have you ever shot a weapon? If so which one?

-Do you plan on purchasing a weapon for protection?  

I hope sharing my experience helped you in a positive way if you ever had any doubts, questions or concerns on taking a class or going to the gun range.

If you love someone tell them.

I love you all,

Destaynee

Feeling Lonely?

Today I was asked. "How are you feeling?"

At first, I wasn't sure how to answer. I  just felt "Okay". But I said no, let's think how do I really feel. and I responded with "alone".  I was then asked why... I said because look everyone has something to do, and people to do it with and I don't. I was then told to dig deeper as to why that bothers me, and they shared an example of why they feel certain things.

Then it hit me. I feel "alone' in a room full of people, a house full of kids and dogs because of how I was treated as a kid.

Let me preface this, with this is in no way shape or form to bash my parents, siblings or anyone. This is my truth, and I must operate it in order to get true healing.

I'm a middle child. Older sister, younger brother. Growing up I was "shy" and quiet, but ironically I would get in trouble in school for talking too much. Looking back and digging deeper, my parents had their attention focused on my siblings. My sister is 7 years my senior and my brother is 2  1/2 years behind me. They had to deal with her older kid issues, and my brother was an athlete involved in a lot of sports, but mainly basketball. Basketball was all of our lives in support of him. Our weekends were put on pause to travel to and far for his tournaments, scrimmages, and games. Practices 3 times a week minimum. No excuses, we were always in the stands in support.

                                

Now, when I was younger I believe toddler age, I was a model. I don't know how long it lasted, but I had little beauty competitions and I did win. However, my modeling career was cut short, due to the traveling that was needed. Mind you my dad was in the Air Force, so we were traveling very often all the time. When I asked why I stopped modeling, I was told because it was too much traveling.... okay

As I got older, my sport of choice was gymnastics. That was my favorite sport, and probably the sport I did the best in. My parents were very supportive of this, as this did require some traveling and took up weekends for competitions. After awhile that fizzled out and I was "encouraged" to try other sports like basketball, and track. At the time my gymnastic and track schedule interfered with one another, but because my brother also ran track, I had to stick with that.....

I have various stories/ situations like this..

Other examples, would be, being cut off in the middle of talking, or saying something only for someone else to say it for it to be considered or believed. (still happens)

These patterns continue over the years which led me to be "quiet" and "shy" because, what was the point of talking, when I would be cut off? What is the point of doing anything when it would be ignored, but praised when it came from someone else? This also led me to believe that I wasn't important, loved, or cared about, which caused me to feel lonely and isolated.

Now, as a 31 year old mother of 2, I still feel as though I'm not heard or seen. I began writing years ago because this was my voice, my way of being heard and seen.

I've learned I have to combat these thoughts and feelings of feeling alone, unimportant, unloved, uncared for because I am. If anything I have two little boys, and two dogs that believe that, and that's more than enough for me!

What I've been doing lately, is affirmations. Any negative lie, or thought I'm told, I tell myself the opposite! Better yet I tell myself the truth. I have post-it notes on my mirror with affirmations, and when I do my daily journal writings I also list affirmations.

I acknowledge the thought or feeling, because our feelings do matter, no matter how off they are. They matter.

Then I affirm what I know to be true about myself.

I am important.

I do matter.

I am needed.

I am loved.

I am amazing

My presence is needed simply because of who I am and whose I am.

I am water.

I hope this helps you, as writing it is helping me. What tools or tips do you use to help combat feeling lonely, alone or anything negative? Share them below.

If you love someone tell them.

I love you.

Destaynee

I'm Back : Life Update

Wow, I don't know how to start this post. I haven't written a blog post in years. Not that I haven't had anything to post about, life has changed a lot since I last wrote.

I think the last time I posted was back in 2017?  Never-the-less I will catch you up.

I'm a mom again. I had my second son in 2018. I won't say I kept my pregnancy a secret, but I protected it by letting people (who I didn't work with or saw me regularly) know after the baby was born. I also have another dog (total of 2). My hands are full!

I bought my first house while I was 6 months pregnant.

I've transferred departments at the company I work for, and work from home.

I've taken son #1 out of public school, and he is in private school, however I'm currently homeschooling my kids. Well son #2 is only 2, but we do educational things to get his learning in as well.

I finally loc'd my hair (June 2020) after being a loose natural for so long. You know I always said "I'm a dread headed hippie at heart". Well boom now I really am. Best hair decision I've made. I'm so happy.

I'm on a health journey. I like to say I'm "vegan-ish". I don't eat diary at all, but that damn chicken still gets me every time lol I also only eat one cooked meal a day. (I'll do a separate post about it)

I'm actively working on my spiritual journey. I'm a "Christian"  but not the type that raises money for white supremacist, or judges women for the amount of lives they bring into this world. Basically I have a relationship with Christ, and I follow and believe in him, not the man made rules and regulations people worship these days.

For me  I'm seeking Christ, I'm paying attention to the ways he speaks to me. Listening to nature.

That's my life update! I will go into detail about certain things in separate posts. I don't know how often I'm going to post (like a schedule or just randomly). 

Thank you for reading this post. I look forward to interacting with you.

If you love someone tell them.

I love you.

Destaynee