Journey to my Queen-ship: Getting my voice back!

Have you ever had something to say, but just couldn’t say it. Although you had the words, you just couldn’t speak up and say what you had to say? Felt like your voice was trapped inside your own body? Like you were the only one that heard you when you spoke?

This is how I’ve been feeling for the majority, if not all of my life. Until now.

My siblings and I were raised on the “kids should be seen and not heard”/ “speak when you’re spoken to” philosophy. At an early age we knew not to speak when adults were speaking. We were also taught that our feelings didn’t matter, what the adult says goes. I didn’t realize the danger nor the effect this “old school” way of raising kids had on my life until literally weeks ago.

I realized I was conditioned all my life to believe what I thought, felt, wanted or needed to say wasn’t important. I could never express how I felt. My voice was never heard. During arguments with my brother or sister, we would be told to be quiet. Never were we able to express how we felt, or why we were arguing we just had to “gut it up and go”.

Growing up, I was very shy, very reserved, and very “serious”. I can’t help but to think, this “character” was brought on because my voice was stifled at an early age.

This post is not to put down my parents (or any other parents) for their way of raising me. I realize they did what they thought was best for us, although it was wrong for me.

I’m currently on a journey to my “Queen-ship”. -I know you’re thinking, “geesh she’s on a lot of Journeys.” Well I am. This life is a journey, my walk with Christ is a journey. I want to be in a state of continual growth. I don’t ever want to get stagnant with where I am, or who I am. Paul says press toward the mark. No I will never be perfect, but I can be the best Destaynee there is. That means I have to address “problem areas”, and work on things that can be improved on. I must face the things of my past that may have influenced things in my present- This journey is not for the faint at heart, but no REAL journey is.

The first step on this journey to my Queen-ship is getting my voice back. Every Queen needs to have a voice, and her voice must be heard. Having your voice means that you express yourself, you don’t allow any kind of treatment, you speak boldly about things, you make commands and not demands. A Queen doesn’t demand to be heard, she commands it with her words, her tone, her posture and her presence. Please don’t get “rolling your neck”, pointing your finger, getting loud and using profanity confused with speaking boldly, and expressing yourself as a Queen. That’s just ratchet, and the behavior of a “stereotypical” woman.-_- (Black women, we are NOT stereo-types, even if society tries to make us one. We are Queens, and we should conduct ourselves as such.)

I’m finding that this “getting my voice back” isn’t as easy as it sounds. I have to make a conscious effort, to not be passive, and be aggressive about being heard. A few weeks ago I had to let my voice be heard by my dad. I had to tell him “Dad, I have to tell you something’s, just listen and let me speak”. Yes, a Queen is still a Queen even to her father. He listened; heard, and respected me and what I had to say, because it was commanded in my tone, and my words. I’m also learning I have to do this with my son. All four years of his life, I saw him, but I was really seeing me. I remember how I was raised and I made it my business to not raise him the same way. Yelling at my son, was like my dad yelling at me, and I couldn’t bear it. I remember how I felt. I didn’t want him to feel that way, so I babied him, tried to “demand” his respect, but that wasn’t working. It wasn’t until recently, I realized, Daniel is not me. My father was giving me the commands, and not the sensitive talk I needed being a young girl. Daniel being a young boy, needs to be commanded, especially since he is a leader, he needs to know how to take commands. Telling him to do things in a firm voice, instead of asking him, is a struggle for me, but I know it’s for the best! I had to take my feelings, and feelings of the past out of it, and realize the root of the problem. (The problem, was not wanting to raise Daniel the way I was raised. I didn’t want him to feel like he didn’t have a voice and that his feelings/ thoughts didn’t matter. The root being, how I was made to feel based on the way I was raised)

This Queen-ship and having a voice also carries over to my work place. Everyone at my job knows I’m a Christian. I don’t make shy about it. Sadly the world thinks being a Christian means they can do or say whatever they want to you. So not the case!! (I was working on a video on “Christians are the most misunderstood people”, still may post it.) I’ve gotten it ALL, and I’ve took it all from everyone. From co-workers, management, customers, physical, and verbal until this past Saturday.

It all ended October 19^th. This woman comes to my register, thinking I’m going to let her skip the line all because she wants to check her balance.

Customer: Can you tell me my balance (while proceeding to hand me her card)

Me: If you get in line I will.

Customer: It’s easy, all you have to do is swipe

Me: Ma’am please get in line

Customer: you’re rude!!

Under my breath I say, “You’re rude too”

She gets in line and then goes on to shop, honestly I forgotten about her until she came back through the line. She was down a few registers talking with my co-worker, I saw her looking at me, so I looked at her (letting her know, yea I know you’re talking about me), so she looks back and then shoots a bird at me! I said “oh wow, she just shot a bird at me, how mature, if I had her maturity, I’d probably do the same. (Yes, I said it loud so she could hear, and so everyone could know this woman is crazy. Mind you, this is ALL because I did not let her skip the line. I did not give her what she wanted. I did not let her control me! (I’ll share my issues with being controlled in another post) So as she’s walking out the store, she stops in front of me, looks at me hard. I said “would you like for me to call my manager?” She said yea call your manager, and she proceeds to curse me out, calling me the “b” word, along with other profanities. I was at my breaking point, she walked out the store, and so did I.

Me: Ma’am! Excuse me ma’am! You’re doing ALL of this because I wouldn’t let you skip the line?

Customer: No, I’m doing this because you’re a (insert every profane word known to man)

Me: Wow, you have no respect for anyone, you’re not the only one that has something to do. It’s not all about you

Customer: (cutting me off). I have respect for people in your position, but you’re just a dumb (insert curse word)

Me: You think you can talk to me and call me these names because I’m wearing this red apron! You think you can talk to me any kind of way because you THINK I’m uneducated. You think you’re insulting me, you can’t insult an educated person with curse words!

She got mad and told me to go to hell. I told her I hope she gets to know God, and God bless her.

No, I did not curse, I did not raise my voice. I spoke to her as calmly as I would anyone else. She was waving her hands in my face but I did not do the same. I know some of you are thinking, “wow that’s so unprofessional! Why would you confront her? Why not just let her leave? What would Jesus do? Well I don’t know what Jesus would’ve done, but I know that being a Christian is not a rites of passage to be treated any kind of way. That was the first step in me getting my voice back! That was a victory for me! I do not regret, nor do I feel convicted for what I did. –But the saved and the unsaved are watching you, do you think that was a good example of what a Christian should do? -  I’m fully aware that being unashamed and open about being a Christian means that folks are watching. I think what I did was a good example of what happens when your voice is taken from you. If I didn’t speak up then and defend myself, when would I ever have?

As Christians, Queens and Kings we have to know that we have a voice. We have to command respect, with using our voice. How are you going to command the evil spirits to leave, if you don’t use your voice? How can you walk in your authority as a Christian without using your voice?

My voice was stifled at a young age which resulted in years of depression, attempts of suicide, and a string of bad relationships, physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I was conditioned to believe how I felt, and what I thought, didn’t matter. Not using your voice would lead someone to believe they don’t matter.

Please understand that your voice DOES matter!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Signed,

A Queen, who has her voice back.

Journey back to North Carolina

Saturday, October 05, 2013

was the first time I’ve stepped foot in North Carolina in over 10 years.

After checking into our room on Seymour Johnson Air Force base, we grabbed food and went immediately to my aunt Bunny’s house. My eyes were basically glued to the window as we drove by places I was familiar with, places that brought back memories from my child hood. As we pulled up to Aunt Bunny’s house, I said “wow, I used to think this little hill in her front yard was so huge” (it’s not even a hill) When I told her that, she looked at me sideways and said “What hill”. I said exactly, when I was young everything was huge to me, including this yard lol.

I grew up knowing that as a child, when adults are speaking you be quiet. Although I’m an adult myself, when I’m around my parents or anyone older, I know my place. I know I should let the adults talk. So after chatting with her, I allowed her and my dad to chat. They were discussing the health issues certain family members were facing. It really brought to my attention that the things we do to our bodies in our young age, will affect our bodies in our older age. Now I’ve always eaten pretty healthy. My mom made sure of it, so that’s not much of an issue. Eating healthy and exercising isn’t all that it takes to be healthy, going to the doctor regularly is also. I can be honest and say lately I haven’t been taking my doctors’ appointments as seriously as I should. Like now, I need to get my eyes checked. It’s time for a new prescription for my contacts and glasses, but I keep putting it off because ‘I can’t miss work”. What good will I be at work if I can’t see properly? Same goes for anything pertaining health. What good are you to your job, business, company etc, if you’re not healthy and unable to perform properly? –Also ladies, we know this month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Make sure to do your at home self-checks regularly, and if you meet the “age requirements” go in and get a monogram. Knowledge really is power and it’s best to know earlier, so the proper steps can be made. We only get one body, let’s take care of it. - So when I get back I’m going to make the necessary appointments and if I have to take off work, so be it. Health comes first!

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Today was a really nice day. We woke up and drove around some areas in Goldsboro that we used to frequent. We passed by this old car wash we ALWAYS went to. I told my dad I would never forget that place, he asked why. I told him about the time we were vacuuming out the car, and the 2 men I in the car next to us had guns, and were emptying shell casings over the fence behind it. It was my first time seeing a gun in person. Of course he didn’t know that, because I was too afraid to tell anyone at the time. His response, was “wow” lol Somehow we started talking about how we almost got robbed. Now I mentioned this before in my “My story proves that God can use me” (my testimony blog post), but I’ll share briefly. One day while my parents were gone (I don’t remember where they were) my sister was babysitting me and my brother. All I remember is a man dressed in black, was knocking on the kitchen window, when I went to the window, he tried to convince me to let him in the house so he could “play cards” with me.

 I don’t remember what I said, I was a little girl, but I will never forget him asking me to let him in so he could “play cards”. I thank God for protecting my siblings and me at that time, because who knows what could’ve happened. I can tell that telling my dad that kind of bothered him, maybe he forget about it, I don’t know. For me thinking back on situations where the devil tried to harm me just confirms that God has a plan for me. It just lets me know that God has ALWAYS had me in his hands. If he can protect me from the wiles of the devil then, surely he can and he will now, and for that I Thank him! It also shows how the devil tries to “get kids” at an early age. Most of my physical attacks (meaning, attacks that could’ve resulted in death) happened when I was young. This makes me very aware of praying over my son. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t ask for God’s protection over my son’s mind, and his body. It’s important that we as parents get in the habit of praying over our children, and teaching them how to pray for themselves. Today Daniel told me he was scared of “the monster”, I said, Daniel what do you do when you’re scared? He said “Pray”. I said let’s pray then. It was a simple prayer, but he said “Jesus, I’m scared, help me to not be scared”. I had faith that the holy spirit would comfort him, and teaching him to trust God helps his faith, even at the age of 4.

After a little bit of driving around we went to my dad’s friend’s house. They’ve been friends for as long as I’ve known my dad, basically lol it was so nice seeing him and his family. His wife is the sweetest lady. She really is a proverbs 31. It was very inspiring for me to see her and how she interacted with her husband, her son and her grandchild. Also how she welcomed me and Daniel and made us feel loved and taken care of.  She’s very humble and down to earth. She took me Daniel and her granddaughter to chuck e cheese and out to eat. (I wish I would’ve recorded it. Daniel and that little girl were THEE cutest, holding hands while crossing the street, their little conversations, their playing together. It was so funny and cute) Mr. Percy and my dad proceeded to tell us about their football days. All I could do was laugh and listen because they talk like they were so good (which they probably were, but it’s just funny to hear) older folks are always reminiscing on their glory days! Lol (No shade, it’s just funny, I enjoy hearing stories from my elders)

One thing I took note of, and it’s not from anyone in particular, but in general. People ask me “what do you do”, and I tell them, I always get the “oh okay”. I see that they are judging me based on what I’m doing, but more so on what I’m not doing. I also see they’re comparing me to my parents. My father was a military man, preacher, well respected, 2 masters degrees. My mother was a day care provider, aerobics instructor, has her masters and a teacher for years. When you get this type of response to the efforts you’re trying to make, it can be discouraging. This is why we have to guard our hearts. I would be easy for me to get down, every time someone says “oh okay” In regards to what I’m doing or the current situation I’m in. That’s why we must have confidence in God. We must know that, No we might not be following the direct path of our parents, but that doesn’t make us less or greater than them or anyone else. We have to trust God and know that our worth truly honestly and whole heartedly comes from him, and him alone. It’s too easy to get caught up on what you look like on paper, and comparing that to others. It’s too easy to down yourself for not meeting society’s standards, but who are you living for? This is NOT to say that you shouldn’t have goals or do the best that you can, because you should. What I’m saying is do not compare your portion. Keep your eyes on what you have, keep your focus on your mission. STAY IN YOUR LANE.

When people try to discourage you from the path you’re on, you have to be strong in who you are and what God has for you and shut the negativity down! Allow God to regulate your thoughts. Keep them on things eternal, not on what you are unable to do in this season or this place in your life.

My trip to North Carolina has been a great one. We are leaving to go back to Maryland tomorrow morning. I’ve learned a lot, even in this short time here, and on the way here. I will share more of the things I’ve learned over time.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee

D.C | Day 2

I know the title of this blog post implies that there is a “day 1”. There is no documented day 1.

I’m currently in Maryland visiting my dad. Thursday morning I made a facebook status and it said the following:

“Today Daniel and I will be going to Maryland to visit my dad. It will be the first time for me traveling alone. Might not be a big deal to most, but it's a big deal for me. I know how vulnerable a single mom and her child may appear.

At first I was scared, I probably still am, I might even cry. My physical safety net (family) won't be with us as we travel. I'm quickly reminded that God didn't give me the spirit of fear. I'm also reminded of one of my favorite scriptures Joshua 1:9 "have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."

I know God will protect me and my son as we travel, to and from Maryland and also while we're there.

Just that quickly my peace is restored. Thank you God!

Let's not give into fear, but "fight" fear with God's word.

Trust,believe and have faith.

If you love someone tell them

I love you all.”

This was wrote, not in fear of something tragic happening to myself or my son, this was wrote in me overcoming a fear that was from within. I had much faith in God that the plane ride would be perfectly fine. I was more fearful of being out of my comfort zone, my safety net as I mentioned.

Once the plane landed in Baltimore, the man in the seat in front of me looked at his phone and said “oh shoot, there was a shooting in Capitol Hill”. In my head, I was like oh my goodness, Thank God, I’m way over in Baltimore. When I called my mom to let her know we landed safely and we were with dad, she mentioned what happened on Capitol Hill as well, but relieved that we didn’t have to be in that area. I too was thankful. So after watching the news and hearing the reports, my heart became heavy. I personally think the situation could have been handled WAY differently, but that’s neither here nor there.

So today, after a great time of eating out and some shopping with my dad, he asked if I wanted to go to the mall. (The national mall. Where all the historical monuments, museums and things are in D.C like a “downtown” area.) I said yes, ideally if I lived in this area, I would be here ALL the time, people watching, seeing sites I’ve seen over a hundred times, the whole nine.

 As we’re pulling through the mall I see 2 police officers running, I’m like dad those police are running. Then I look ahead and I see at least 4 people crowded around a man that’s on the ground. In my mind I’m thinking wow a citizen’s arrest?! So dad pulls over and I pull out my camera to zoom in on the situation. As I’m zooming in I’m horrified as to what I’m seeing. I see a man on the ground on his side appears to have his shirt off but has black marks on his shoulders arms and hands. He sits up and I see what looks to be blood. My immediate though was “dad somebody burned him!” One of the bystanders runs past us sitting in the car flagging down the ambulance, and I’m like why aren’t they helping him? So I zoom in and look around him I see a small flame in the grass and a gas container nearby. Eventually I put two and two together. This man tried to burn himself? For what, is he protesting? But to take it to such extreme? After we saw the paramedics tend to him, helicopters, and police dogs, undercover police, everyone flooded the area. They wanted all people standing by to leave. So we left and decided we would try again another day!

Few hours later, my dad checks his phone, and sees were there was an article about it. A witness said she watched him pour gasoline all over his head and she watched him light himself on fire, and joggers that were passing took of their shirts to put the flames out. I said “Dad, if we would’ve come 5 minutes earlier, we would’ve seen that man on fire”. (Thankfully Daniel was in the backseat sleep during all of this).

The man to my knowledge is not dead, but he is in critical condition, and he has life threatening burns.

I have no idea why this man would do this, maybe he is directly affected by the government shut down. Maybe he just got a divorce, maybe he just got laid off, or a family member died. No none of those things justify his actions, but it makes you wonder what is this person dealing with? Why they would want to hurt themselves, to this extreme right in the middle of Washington D.C. You NEVER really know what a person is dealing with and what demons they’re facing. The problem is, if people aren't Christians, they have NO  idea, the peace that Jesus can bring to any and ALL situations. NOTHING is too hard for God. NOTHING!!

Before we went out to the national man, a woman approached my dad, Daniel and I and asked if we knew Jesus Christ. I smiled and said, yes ma’am I do. She proceeded to invite me to her church to worship with her etc. I wonder how many Christians this man came encounter with today or the days before. I wonder how many Christians asked him if he knew Jesus Christ and made an attempt to share Christ with him. After all of this I felt convicted. Am I doing MY part to share the gospel? Yes we have platforms on the internet and in church, but what about those people that know NOTHING about Jesus. Are we making attempts to reach them? Are we reaching those that have NEVER stepped foot into a church?

I know things are so “P.C”(politically correct). Can’t talk about religion at work, you don’t want to “offend” people. My thing is we’re offended everyday by the foolishness of the devil. The evil spirits that are attacking these people and convincing them to harm themselves, the evil spirits that are attacking our cities, the evil influences that are present in our day to day life. Why can’t we take a stand and allow our lights to shine?

Christians we have to remember that peace isn’t going to be given to the world. The peace that is in us, is the peace this world will see. We have to share that peace which is Jesus Christ, with those that are lost.

I’m not afraid to be in The DMV( D.C, Maryland, Virginia) during this crisis, because I know that nothing will come to me and my son that God doesn't allow. What I’m “afraid” of is those souls that I come in contact with that might be lost. I don’t want to miss my opportunity to witness on a count of being “P.C” (politically correct).

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the young woman that lost her life on Capitol Hill. It could’ve ended a different way.

My prayers are also with the man that tried to take his life this afternoon. He still has breath in his body therefore he still has a chance to get to know Christ.

My prayer are also with those that might be facing mental issues, I pray they receive the help they need!

I pray that the Christians that are alive and well will ask God for a boldness. For a courage that will allow them to speak before men and women sharing the good news!

This thing is real guys. The devil walks the earth like a lion looking for whom he may devour. We have to do our part by spreading the gospel!

If you love someone, PLEASE tell them

I love you

Destaynee