#TestimonyTuesday
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That is what’s trending on “Christian twitter”. Basically
all the Christians on twitter sharing their testimony, being delivered from
addiction, rape, how they came to Christ etc. I’ve never given a “formal
testimony”,(not sure if this is one either) I’ve given a testimony recently at church of how God has provided
for my son and I for the past 3 years, and how faithful he is, but that doesn’t
even put a dent in the things God has been for me. I’ve been asked “what’s your
testimony” many times before this day from people on twitter, but I was always
like, if you guys really knew how would you look at me. Well a testimony isn’t
for us to keep nor is it for us to be liked by others. Our testimonies are for
other people to see how God has brought us out, how God has kept us. A
testimony is for us to overcome and for people to see the power of Christ. I
know I’ve shared some of my testimony on my blog, because I feel that this is a
perfect way to reach people that I can physically see and touch, so my social
networks are used for things like this. Please understand it’s very hard for me
to share something’s, and something’s may be left out because maybe I’m still
dealing with them. I do know that it’s important for people to know what God can
do and what he did for me, but understand it’s not always easy, as some of you
know. I’ll just start.
My earliest memory of an attack from the devil (beside, the
story I was told about being born with an ear infection and having tubes in my
ear) I was 4 or 5(whenever we came back to the states from Japan) There was a
knock on the side door, I went to the window saw a black man ( to me look like
George Jefferson, but taller) he as at the window, trying to get in, of course
the door was locked, he tried to trick me
into letting him in by saying he would play cards with me, he had cards.
My parents weren’t home it was just me and my siblings, long story short. I
didn’t let him in and I didn’t go out. Looking back on that story, things just
race through my mind. He could’ve killed me and my siblings, kidnapped us, rape
robbed us whatever, but God. That’s a story of God’s protection. Looking back
at my life living in North Carolina, I experienced a lot of things I didn’t
even realize were happening. I was almost thrown from a ride at a fair, I’ll
never forget the fear on my mom’s face trying to hold on to my small wrist, my
body was literally out of the ride, again God stepped in. One night driving
somewhere in N.C with my dad a car with
two men where following us and came along side us pointing a gun at us, my dad
told me to duck down in the seat( I wonder if he remembers that)… again God’s protection.
Another time we were at one of those car wash/vacuum out your car kind of
places, next to us two guys were cleaning and emptying out there guns, I was so
cared I acted like I didn’t see them. Again God’s protection. Also in N.C I
remember my parents cooking on the grill, I don’t remember details, I just
remember telling my dad to call the fire department, and the fire fighters
saying if we didn’t call it would’ve blown up( we had a gas grill. Did I tell
you my God is a protector? In my young years it seems though the devil just
tried to take me out physically, it wasn’t a mental warfare then it was just a physical
war.
As I got a little younger the attacks changed. I was
introduced to sex around this time I believe we lived in Alabama. I was molested
by a friend, yea a kid my age (kids know this stuff at such a young age). From
kids to family members (No incest, no rape) all the stuff in between the age of
like 8 to like 14 is a fog to me can’t really remember. By 8th grade
we were already in Va. I was of course “the new girl” at the school (which was
middle and high school combined) I was teased because I had eczema, at that age
it was REALLY bad, so I was teased. It was really hard; I think this started my
self-esteem issues, lack of self-confidence. I then became “the mean girl”, yes
loud, mean cussing, disrespectful yea that was me at this time smh. Then 9/11 happened
and my dad worked in the Pentagon (will never forget). During this time I
experienced a lot of rejection, verbal abuse, and mental abuse from family “friends”
everyone. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I was too scared to drink
bleach, I drunk something…. Didn’t work (God is the giver of life and the taker
of life, you can attempt suicide all you want, but if God doesn’t say it’s
time, it’s not time).fast forward a few years we’re here in FL. I was still the
loud immature girl because of self-consciousness and low self-esteem. 11th
grade year had a boyfriend, lost my virginity due to LOTS of pressure from
basically everyone,” because he’s older and you have to please him or he’ll get
an older woman” yea all that stuff. One day I didn’t want to have sex with him,
do you think he cared? Nope, first encounter with rape and because of that rape
I was impregnated. That baby is with The Lord in heaven. God is faithful even
in that moment. 12th grade year, seniors had finished classes. Two
guys I thought were friends (shall remain nameless) said hey we’ll give you a
ride home, I was like okay cool. Minutes later I realized we weren’t turning
into my neighborhood, but a neighborhood I’ve never been in. Long story short,
it was an attempt of rape, but it didn’t happen. God stepped in. After
graduation went on the The Great Bethune Cookman, got a boyfriend beginning of
second semester it was an abusive relationship of all kinds, absolutely awful
sad thing is he had my family tricked that he was the perfect guy, but behind
closed doors hitting me and abusing me verbally. This jumped started my need
for attention from a man. Got back with an ex had my beautiful son. We broke up
shorting after my son was born. This started my “club days” I’ve only been to
the teen clubs but now I was going on 21. Didn’t have a drink until I was 21(I
didn’t struggle with alcohol, but I did see guys TRY to get me drunk so they
could just molest me in the club). Let’s see you guys know about the time the
guy down town tried to snatch me and put me in his car, the man I believe is a
demon… well last year (22) I again was suicidal
wanted to just die. God didn’t let that happen. I was so deep in trying
to find love and being love when literally my WHOLE life I had it. I had it
from Christ. I didn’t fully understand that until spring last year. Understand
I’m a PK I was raised in the church, stayed in the church, but I realized my
life truly isn’t my own last spring. That’s when I rededicated my life to Christ
(if you will). Over the past 3 years I was unemployed, car less all of that,
God changed that last spring and this fall. That didn’t stop Satan. This past
fall I again experienced rape. Notice NON of my rape encounters were strangers hanging
out in the bushes waiting for me to go to the mail box. These are all people I
knew, my family knew. This person goes to my church. I see this face every
Sunday. I didn’t want to share with yall because I still was/ am processing it.
Forgiving is easy once you realize your life is NOT your own. Forgetting, well
I’ll never forget, and it’s good I don’t forget because this helps me remember
what God has been to me, what he is to me and what he can be to you.
No I didn’t struggle with drugs, alcohol sex addiction no
addictions. The attacks against me were always physical and mental. The devil
wanted and still wants to take me out but understand God has a plan for me. The
things God has for me the devil can never stop because I have the victory
through Jesus Christ. I understand the importance of transparency and giving
testimonies, I pray this helps someone that maybe facing the same issues I deal
with or have dealt with. I’m not really worried about judgment from believers
or non-believers; I just want someone to know that I’m still here. I’m still
standing, some days are rough but I’m still smiling. I’m still making it and
that’s only by the grace the mercy and the favor from God.
And I know someone somewhere might be saying: how can you
serve a God that allowed you to endure so much”… because I understand that my
life is not my own. Jesus paid it all on the cross. If God allowed me to go through
it, that means he knew I could handle it, and use it to bring Glory to his Holy
name. So my faith is in God, not in my strength. I know I can break down on a
drop of a dime, but God says I’m strong because my strength is in him. God has
plans for my life, and if my going through those things were just so somebody
can see God’s power, so someone can see what God can do then my pain was not in
vain. Not testimony is in vain. God will use it to glorify his name.
Life and favor upon me, he brought me out.
If you love someone tell them
I love you
signed,
The girl that doesn't look like what she's been through
Praise God!
ReplyDeleteAint he alright? Thank you God!
ReplyDelete