Courting 1.0

Courting: Be involved with romantically, typically with the intention of marrying.

Courting is a topic that is never really talked about in churches. We have ministries to keep our youth abstinent; we have ministries for older singles, and ministries for married couples. What about the young or old couples that are courting or thinking about courting? Maybe it’s a topic that’s touched on in the singles ministry, but that’s usually for older people.  Young couples don’t really have a guide on how to court. We take ideas for other people’s courtships and try to apply them to our courtships with two completely different people. I think not knowing how to court might turn people away from actually doing it, so they just go back to worldly dating. They think (just like many people in Christ,) there are a bunch of rules of things you can’t do. You have to have your OWN ideas, your OWN convictions, you OWN way of doing things. Yes there are boundaries; of course if your courting you are not having sex, there is NO exceptions for that.

I’m currently in a courtship. I only really know of one couple that’s very open about when they courted and that’s the Lindsey’s. I LOVE them. I love how open they are and how real they are about things. The problem with only having one couple share their story which ended in success everyone is trying to do what THEY did. I won’t lie I was one of those people Before I even got in a courtship, I was like I’m not kissing I’m not holding hands, no contact at all. The no kissing rule went beyond what the Lindsey’s did (something I’ll share later), but I took that on. Now Keaton (the Man of God that’s courting me) was okay with it. We both were, but we realized that’s not our conviction. I have yet to find a bible verse that says no kissing. We know that Jacob kissed Rachel before they married. Before we decided we weren't convicted on kissing we had a fairly long talk about it lol. We had to find out each other’s love language. My main love language is touch. Now I know you’re like” touch, you can’t be touching”. Not touching like that. The way I show love and affection is with hugs, kisses touching someone’s shoulder when they talking, holding someone’s hand when they are crying. Touch. I feel loved when I’m able to receive a hug, I feel like I’m showing someone how much I love them by hugging them. I have other love languages, but that was my main one. So if we cut out any contact, that would be hard for me. Hugs affirm me, holding me when I’m upset affirms me and makes me feel safe. So we discussed the kissing thing, and we said once we tried it, if we felt convicted we would stop. We didn’t and we still don’t. You have to find your own convictions people it’s so imperative!! What’s a sin for me (besides the one’s stated in the bible) may not be a sin for you and vice versa. That’s why you have to have a relationship with Christ. The Holy Spirit will be more than glad to let you know when you’re doing something you should not be doing! So yea Keaton and I kiss, we hold hands, and we hug each other. It doesn’t go beyond that because that would be very convicting and lead to sin.

Before getting into a courtship you have to make up in your mind that you’re not going to have sex (that defeats the WHOLE purpose of doing it God’s way). Being in a courtship can be very intimate without being physically intimate. A lot of intimacy is emotional (especially for me) in any form of relationship. If I let you in to my emotional bubble it’s going to be easy to be emotionally intimate with you. That is what courting does, is allows you to be intimate and get to know a person without the sex. Sex is like a fog, you don’t really know what’s ahead because you’re stuck in one place. Courting allows you to grow as a couple without the physical fog. Keaton and I have learned SO much about ourselves and about one another, we would’ve never learned had we not been in this courtship. It’s because we communicate. We don’t have a sex blanket to run to, like a lot of worldly relationships. Worldly relationships have that sex blanket we’re if something is wrong, at least they have sex. No we don’t we HAVE to resolve our issues that same day. We have to have a clear line of communication because that’s all we have, especially being long distance. (We’re just one hour and thirty minutes away). We have to rely on our communication and not just texts and tweeting. We Skype every night and we talk on the phone, yes we text, but text can’t be the main line of communication (for us). We have to talk our differences out. Another misconception about communication is arguing. We people find out a couple is arguing they encourage that couple to break up. No before this courtship I was Destaynee and he was Keaton. Yes we are to be with one accord, yes we are to adapt to the person we are involved with, but the way we were raised may not be the same our experiences in life may not be the same so we may have a few differences here in there. Having differences is not the time to throw in the towel not if you’re courting. You have to work through them as a couple, someone’s going to be “wrong” someone’s not always going to get there way, but you must compromise. Compromising with one another lets the other know your opinion or your feelings matter just as much as mine do and I’m willing to go half way, or do things your way. You can NOT be selfish and in a courtship. True love is selfless and you have to be willing to put aside your pride or your ego for the person you’re courting. Courting has the intent of marriage as the goal, you learning to be selfless isn’t going to happen time he puts that ring on your finger, things have to happen now. You have to learn how to operate as a unit now.

A Lot of you know I have a son. I’m sure you’re wondering how this is effecting him or how am I going about it. I introduced Keaton to Daniel (my son) as a friend. I told him this is my friend; my son is very social so he was okay. At first he was shy, but he warmed up to him. It’s something new for all 3 of us. Keaton and Daniel talk on the phone, they Skype and every time Keaton comes to visit we make sure they get to spend some kid of time together. So far so good J. If you have a child and your courting, you have to talk to the person your courting about when is it a good time to introduce them to the other, and you know your child, you know how your child is going to react and how they can handle things, keep that in mind. My child is still very young so it was pretty easy at least for now, and prayerfully it will stay easy. A conversation should be had about discipline.  The man you’re courting may want to be active in discipline, especially if the real father isn’t around, have those conversations on what is okay and what isn’t. It’s very important that this is a smooth transition for the child, they are a part of this too their feelings can’t be forgotten. A conversation about children to be had at one point or another, you can’t court someone who is very adamant about not having kids and you already have some or you desire to have them that may not be the person for you.

I’m going to continue to blog about Keaton and I’s courtship, because our courtship is very different from a lot of people’s, from the way we met, to the confirmation from God, to the distance, to me having a child already. It’s not the “normal” courtship if there is such a thing. I just believe strongly in transparency, and I believe this is a topic that’s not really talked about or if it is, it’s from one extreme to the next. I’m a pretty “black and white” person, but with this, there is some grey area.

So I’ll try to blog more frequently, sharing our story hopefully it can help or shed light on courtships for some of you considering it or already in it, and if you’re in a courtship or have gone through one and got married, I would love to hear your story as well!

We’re all in this together guys, and we have to be there for one another, when it comes to our relationship with Christ and when it comes to our future relationships with our husbands/wives. Let’s encourage each other on this walk.

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Destaynee