I would like to preface this post by saying. A part of my childhood trauma response to not feeling loved, seen, important, cared for etc. it's holding on to people, places and memories that make me feel seen, understood , and loved. I just recently learned this from "therapy twitter" lol. It makes sense. Or could just be the intense passion of being a Leo... who knows.
Circa 2012, 2013 ish
I've been on twitter for about a year now, and I'm following random people and random people are following me. I don't know who started following who, all I know is you were the funniest account on my time line. You had relatable funny jokes, inappropriate jokes, dark jokes... like a real life comedian lol
When you told me you lived in Apopka, and went to Apopka High, I was like what? We never knowingly crossed paths at all. Mainly because you were like a year or 2 older, and I was the new girl. Anyway, we bonded over your ridiculous jokes, and your range of knowledge of various topics. I was pleasantly surprised to know how smart you really were. I don't know how much time had past at this point, but we were talking in the DM for a while.
One day I tweeted " I wish I had a strawberry milkshake"... Next thing I know, I got a text telling me to come outside.. and there you were. At the bottom of my driveway with a Strawberry milkshake from Steak n shake... I was so surprised! And you played it cool like " I was in the area, and you seemed a little down".. lol so freaking sweet, because we all know how slow that steak n shake was. The line was always wrapped around the building lol.
At this point we started hanging out while you were at work. You worked at your familys store in the hood of south Apopka! lol I was living life on the edge at this point lol I would come and hang out with you until the store closed. We would talk, watch movies, joke, listen to music, the times I brought my son with me, you would have blocks and letters for him to play with lol. I remember your uncle, came into the store and he was the one who told me "you better get that boy a step daddy"... I never forgot that day. At first I was offended, but now... how many years later? I truly understand what he was saying, and I can appreciate the sentiment.
Do you remember that night someone tried to break into the store after you closed it down?? Geesh, that was scary! I never realized how much danger I was really in because I felt safe with you. I think after that I kinda chilled, and just met you after work or you would meet me on my lunch breaks.
Many nights we would just be chilling at your grandma's, watching Oddities. I had never heard of that show or seen it until you put me on. I don't know if I ever told you, but sometimes I had nightmares about that show lol. Somethings were scary to me at the time, but that was our show. We would watch it together or over the phone. I remember one night I stayed over really late, we lost track of time, and your aunt was like "are we having a sleep over"... and you were like no auntie, we don't do that... lol It was so funny, because I think I was falling asleep, and when I was trying to leave, your grandfather was still up lol you were so irritated that he was up LOL ...(RIP Grip)
I'm gonna fast forward to our first real date lol
Do you remember how you asked me out? lol You were like " Dezzz, would you like to go on a corny date with me" You always called me "Dezzz with 3 Z's" lol I always teased you about being corny, because you knew you were so damn funny! Anyway, you took me to Cranes Roost, to have a picnic, we walked, held hands and fed the birds. You threw the bread over my head so the birds could fly right over me. You thought, that was just so funny (eye roll) I would insert the picture you took here, but I don't know if I still have it! Afterwards we got frozen yogurt and went to Marshalls just to look around. I saw a different side of you that day.
I remember your babygirls birthday party, you invited Daniel and I to come. Honestly I was thinking oh just a few people with their kids, NO! Your whole family was there lol I had already met most of them, but I was like WOW lol I had a moment of feeling overwhelmed by how many people were there and the questions that were asked, I stepped outside and said I was "watching the kids" on the waterslide and trampoline lol You came out to see if I was good, which I was. You were always mindful how I felt, I appreciated you for that.
Fast forward some years to 2017... I'm New Orleans, Well Mississippi just got back from NOLA because it's Essence Festival. I was in Walmart, having a very frustrating moment and I called you. I even sat in the parking lot and let you talk me off the ledge lol. You were good at that, because you were always able to find the humor in the situation. Which I later found out was your trauma response, and the anxiety you felt to always be the funny man in tough situations. I appreciate you for always pushing through that to cheer me up.
When I announced the birth of my 2nd son, you were beyond shocked, but at this point we had many ups and downs and were just in a neutral spot, or so I thought. I knew you would be hurt, but didn't really realize how hurt you would be. The last time we spoke, was about a year ago? You were telling me about the daycare you and your family were starting, sending me pictures of the progress, and the physical work you did.
Do you remember comparing our love to that of a "90's rom com" ? lol your words! lol And it was.
I remember you asking me if I believed in Soul mates. You felt like we were, or we were connected somehow, because we would have the same exact dreams, or telepathically know how the other was feeling. People reading this, might think it's probably a soul tie. Assuming we had sex, but we never did. You respected me, and saw more value in my mind, in my heart and friendship, so we didn't jeopardize it. I thank you for that.
That is why I'm writing this. You've been on my heart and mind heavy this week. HEAVY okay? lol. I don't know what it means. I don't know if this is muscle memory, and it's time for us to catch up on our lives? I don't know if it's because I was deep in my depression, and stayed there far too long, and knew that only you could truly understand how I felt in those moments and needed my friend. I have no idea! I look back and realize apart of our situationship was codependency and was toxic at times. I saw depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation from your perspective, a male perspective. I saw what it meant to have a loving family through yours. I know there were times I failed you as a friend, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the nights you called because you needed me to talk you off the ledge and I wasn't there. I'm sorry for the times I got mad at you for not being there to talk me down. I'm sorry for the last argument we had. No excuses, we were both young and filled with anger, fear and just in need of love, and although we found comfort in one another, we didn't know how to properly navigate it with one another.
You know this has been in my drafts for months upon months?5 months to be exact. Publishing this, or finishing this would mean the end of our love story, and I never knew if I was ready for that. How can I hold on to something that happened so long ago? How could I hope that you would reach back out to me? How long should one wait? The crazy thing is I know you haven't forgotten me, and all we've been through. And I will never forget you. I know you feel the same.
So I'm going to publish this, as scary as it is to let other people into our world. Our relatively safe space. I'm doing it. I hope some how you see this and it makes you smile, and laugh and think of the good times we shared. I hope this gives perspective to those reading, and brings hope. In whatever way hope is needed, I hope it's found within this.
I also hope this is freeing. It's okay to love, let go and love again as many times as you need to. Don't give up, because I haven't.
If you love someone tell them,
I love you all
signed,
Destaynee.
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