Feeling Lonely?

Today I was asked. "How are you feeling?"

At first, I wasn't sure how to answer. I  just felt "Okay". But I said no, let's think how do I really feel. and I responded with "alone".  I was then asked why... I said because look everyone has something to do, and people to do it with and I don't. I was then told to dig deeper as to why that bothers me, and they shared an example of why they feel certain things.

Then it hit me. I feel "alone' in a room full of people, a house full of kids and dogs because of how I was treated as a kid.

Let me preface this, with this is in no way shape or form to bash my parents, siblings or anyone. This is my truth, and I must operate it in order to get true healing.

I'm a middle child. Older sister, younger brother. Growing up I was "shy" and quiet, but ironically I would get in trouble in school for talking too much. Looking back and digging deeper, my parents had their attention focused on my siblings. My sister is 7 years my senior and my brother is 2  1/2 years behind me. They had to deal with her older kid issues, and my brother was an athlete involved in a lot of sports, but mainly basketball. Basketball was all of our lives in support of him. Our weekends were put on pause to travel to and far for his tournaments, scrimmages, and games. Practices 3 times a week minimum. No excuses, we were always in the stands in support.

                                

Now, when I was younger I believe toddler age, I was a model. I don't know how long it lasted, but I had little beauty competitions and I did win. However, my modeling career was cut short, due to the traveling that was needed. Mind you my dad was in the Air Force, so we were traveling very often all the time. When I asked why I stopped modeling, I was told because it was too much traveling.... okay

As I got older, my sport of choice was gymnastics. That was my favorite sport, and probably the sport I did the best in. My parents were very supportive of this, as this did require some traveling and took up weekends for competitions. After awhile that fizzled out and I was "encouraged" to try other sports like basketball, and track. At the time my gymnastic and track schedule interfered with one another, but because my brother also ran track, I had to stick with that.....

I have various stories/ situations like this..

Other examples, would be, being cut off in the middle of talking, or saying something only for someone else to say it for it to be considered or believed. (still happens)

These patterns continue over the years which led me to be "quiet" and "shy" because, what was the point of talking, when I would be cut off? What is the point of doing anything when it would be ignored, but praised when it came from someone else? This also led me to believe that I wasn't important, loved, or cared about, which caused me to feel lonely and isolated.

Now, as a 31 year old mother of 2, I still feel as though I'm not heard or seen. I began writing years ago because this was my voice, my way of being heard and seen.

I've learned I have to combat these thoughts and feelings of feeling alone, unimportant, unloved, uncared for because I am. If anything I have two little boys, and two dogs that believe that, and that's more than enough for me!

What I've been doing lately, is affirmations. Any negative lie, or thought I'm told, I tell myself the opposite! Better yet I tell myself the truth. I have post-it notes on my mirror with affirmations, and when I do my daily journal writings I also list affirmations.

I acknowledge the thought or feeling, because our feelings do matter, no matter how off they are. They matter.

Then I affirm what I know to be true about myself.

I am important.

I do matter.

I am needed.

I am loved.

I am amazing

My presence is needed simply because of who I am and whose I am.

I am water.

I hope this helps you, as writing it is helping me. What tools or tips do you use to help combat feeling lonely, alone or anything negative? Share them below.

If you love someone tell them.

I love you.

Destaynee