Journey to my Queen-ship: Getting my voice back!

Have you ever had something to say, but just couldn’t say it. Although you had the words, you just couldn’t speak up and say what you had to say? Felt like your voice was trapped inside your own body? Like you were the only one that heard you when you spoke?

This is how I’ve been feeling for the majority, if not all of my life. Until now.

My siblings and I were raised on the “kids should be seen and not heard”/ “speak when you’re spoken to” philosophy. At an early age we knew not to speak when adults were speaking. We were also taught that our feelings didn’t matter, what the adult says goes. I didn’t realize the danger nor the effect this “old school” way of raising kids had on my life until literally weeks ago.

I realized I was conditioned all my life to believe what I thought, felt, wanted or needed to say wasn’t important. I could never express how I felt. My voice was never heard. During arguments with my brother or sister, we would be told to be quiet. Never were we able to express how we felt, or why we were arguing we just had to “gut it up and go”.

Growing up, I was very shy, very reserved, and very “serious”. I can’t help but to think, this “character” was brought on because my voice was stifled at an early age.

This post is not to put down my parents (or any other parents) for their way of raising me. I realize they did what they thought was best for us, although it was wrong for me.

I’m currently on a journey to my “Queen-ship”. -I know you’re thinking, “geesh she’s on a lot of Journeys.” Well I am. This life is a journey, my walk with Christ is a journey. I want to be in a state of continual growth. I don’t ever want to get stagnant with where I am, or who I am. Paul says press toward the mark. No I will never be perfect, but I can be the best Destaynee there is. That means I have to address “problem areas”, and work on things that can be improved on. I must face the things of my past that may have influenced things in my present- This journey is not for the faint at heart, but no REAL journey is.

The first step on this journey to my Queen-ship is getting my voice back. Every Queen needs to have a voice, and her voice must be heard. Having your voice means that you express yourself, you don’t allow any kind of treatment, you speak boldly about things, you make commands and not demands. A Queen doesn’t demand to be heard, she commands it with her words, her tone, her posture and her presence. Please don’t get “rolling your neck”, pointing your finger, getting loud and using profanity confused with speaking boldly, and expressing yourself as a Queen. That’s just ratchet, and the behavior of a “stereotypical” woman.-_- (Black women, we are NOT stereo-types, even if society tries to make us one. We are Queens, and we should conduct ourselves as such.)

I’m finding that this “getting my voice back” isn’t as easy as it sounds. I have to make a conscious effort, to not be passive, and be aggressive about being heard. A few weeks ago I had to let my voice be heard by my dad. I had to tell him “Dad, I have to tell you something’s, just listen and let me speak”. Yes, a Queen is still a Queen even to her father. He listened; heard, and respected me and what I had to say, because it was commanded in my tone, and my words. I’m also learning I have to do this with my son. All four years of his life, I saw him, but I was really seeing me. I remember how I was raised and I made it my business to not raise him the same way. Yelling at my son, was like my dad yelling at me, and I couldn’t bear it. I remember how I felt. I didn’t want him to feel that way, so I babied him, tried to “demand” his respect, but that wasn’t working. It wasn’t until recently, I realized, Daniel is not me. My father was giving me the commands, and not the sensitive talk I needed being a young girl. Daniel being a young boy, needs to be commanded, especially since he is a leader, he needs to know how to take commands. Telling him to do things in a firm voice, instead of asking him, is a struggle for me, but I know it’s for the best! I had to take my feelings, and feelings of the past out of it, and realize the root of the problem. (The problem, was not wanting to raise Daniel the way I was raised. I didn’t want him to feel like he didn’t have a voice and that his feelings/ thoughts didn’t matter. The root being, how I was made to feel based on the way I was raised)

This Queen-ship and having a voice also carries over to my work place. Everyone at my job knows I’m a Christian. I don’t make shy about it. Sadly the world thinks being a Christian means they can do or say whatever they want to you. So not the case!! (I was working on a video on “Christians are the most misunderstood people”, still may post it.) I’ve gotten it ALL, and I’ve took it all from everyone. From co-workers, management, customers, physical, and verbal until this past Saturday.

It all ended October 19^th. This woman comes to my register, thinking I’m going to let her skip the line all because she wants to check her balance.

Customer: Can you tell me my balance (while proceeding to hand me her card)

Me: If you get in line I will.

Customer: It’s easy, all you have to do is swipe

Me: Ma’am please get in line

Customer: you’re rude!!

Under my breath I say, “You’re rude too”

She gets in line and then goes on to shop, honestly I forgotten about her until she came back through the line. She was down a few registers talking with my co-worker, I saw her looking at me, so I looked at her (letting her know, yea I know you’re talking about me), so she looks back and then shoots a bird at me! I said “oh wow, she just shot a bird at me, how mature, if I had her maturity, I’d probably do the same. (Yes, I said it loud so she could hear, and so everyone could know this woman is crazy. Mind you, this is ALL because I did not let her skip the line. I did not give her what she wanted. I did not let her control me! (I’ll share my issues with being controlled in another post) So as she’s walking out the store, she stops in front of me, looks at me hard. I said “would you like for me to call my manager?” She said yea call your manager, and she proceeds to curse me out, calling me the “b” word, along with other profanities. I was at my breaking point, she walked out the store, and so did I.

Me: Ma’am! Excuse me ma’am! You’re doing ALL of this because I wouldn’t let you skip the line?

Customer: No, I’m doing this because you’re a (insert every profane word known to man)

Me: Wow, you have no respect for anyone, you’re not the only one that has something to do. It’s not all about you

Customer: (cutting me off). I have respect for people in your position, but you’re just a dumb (insert curse word)

Me: You think you can talk to me and call me these names because I’m wearing this red apron! You think you can talk to me any kind of way because you THINK I’m uneducated. You think you’re insulting me, you can’t insult an educated person with curse words!

She got mad and told me to go to hell. I told her I hope she gets to know God, and God bless her.

No, I did not curse, I did not raise my voice. I spoke to her as calmly as I would anyone else. She was waving her hands in my face but I did not do the same. I know some of you are thinking, “wow that’s so unprofessional! Why would you confront her? Why not just let her leave? What would Jesus do? Well I don’t know what Jesus would’ve done, but I know that being a Christian is not a rites of passage to be treated any kind of way. That was the first step in me getting my voice back! That was a victory for me! I do not regret, nor do I feel convicted for what I did. –But the saved and the unsaved are watching you, do you think that was a good example of what a Christian should do? -  I’m fully aware that being unashamed and open about being a Christian means that folks are watching. I think what I did was a good example of what happens when your voice is taken from you. If I didn’t speak up then and defend myself, when would I ever have?

As Christians, Queens and Kings we have to know that we have a voice. We have to command respect, with using our voice. How are you going to command the evil spirits to leave, if you don’t use your voice? How can you walk in your authority as a Christian without using your voice?

My voice was stifled at a young age which resulted in years of depression, attempts of suicide, and a string of bad relationships, physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. I was conditioned to believe how I felt, and what I thought, didn’t matter. Not using your voice would lead someone to believe they don’t matter.

Please understand that your voice DOES matter!

If you love someone tell them

I love you

Signed,

A Queen, who has her voice back.