As a mom of two boys, that was raised by a teacher and a preacher, that was also in the military, nobody expects me to be raise my kids in the manner in which I am, They expect me to be very strict and militant with my parenting.
Let me preface this by stating, this is not a bashing against my parents or the way in which they raised me. I'm thankful for the way I was raised. Do I agree with everything, no, but now that I'm a parent I can understand why things were done the way they were.
The definition of conscious parenting to me, means to be intentional, mindful, aware and conscious of my interactions with my children. Taking the time to empathize with them, hear them, and let them know they are heard.
I didn't realize I was participating in this style of parenting until someone asked me why am I talking to my son and not whooping him. My response was why would I whoop him when I can ask him his reasoning for doing what he did and explain why that wasn't appropriate., which when you think about it, it makes all the sense. However, I think the final straw for me was when my son's dad whooped him but he whooped him because of his own ego and pride. He was angry, and used the whooping as a way to release the anger. When all he had to do was take a moment and revisit the incident, Mind you my oldest was probably 4 or 5 years old at the time. Nothing he did warranted a whooping of that magnitude. So in that moment I told myself and others, you dont discipline a child when your emotions are that high. (sometimes as parents we need to put ourselves in "time out" so we can think clearly)
Please dont think this journey, life style or choice is an easy one. I went through years of trying to determine what this look like for me and my son, all while experiencing his very challenging behavior. My oldest son, put me through it lol I was in the principals office more than the principal. I had more parent teacher meetings and conferences than the teachers combined. It was very difficult and challenging mentally and emotionally. Also during this time, he had other relatives telling him "you have anger issues, your bad, etc" ... never anything positive, only negative. ( I was working and relied on relatives to help out with pick ups and child care. so I was unaware of the things said.) It wasn't until years after the fact. My son and I sat down and I asked him why he behaved that way when he was younger. He told me because they kept telling me that's what I was, no matter what I did. Along with him not being able to fully express his emotions.
I made it my business to never have to rely on another person when it came to watching my kids. It's so very important that we protect their bodies, minds, spirits and souls. We also have to teach them how to protect it themselves. Teach them who they are, and if or when someone tries to tell them otherwise, they won't internalize it, they won't believe it and they won't become it. It's so easy for people to point out the negative, we have to make sure we're filling our kids up with so much positive, the negative won't stand a chance.
With my oldest son we don't have issues like we had in the past. He matured, but he also healed those areas. I have equipped him with skills to handle situations that may trigger those old wounds. Not to say he's perfect, but he's come along way, and I dont have to talk down to him, whoop him or anything to get him to act a certain way..
Now with my two year old, I'm so proud of how Im raising him because he's getting the most healed version of me. I'm with him 24/7 so I can be more mindful of who he's around and what's being said to him,. i'm so much more in tune with things now, than when I was at 20 years old. He is very clear on his boundaries. If a stranger starts talking to him in the store he says "no no no" and he might hold his hand up to say stop. LOL When I first saw it I was soooo impressed! If you ask him for a hug and he says no, I honor his no. I don't try to make him, nor do I say "wow, you won't hug your mom". I honor his feelings. I think it's very important to honor your kids' "No" so when they get older, they know that they have the option to say no, and that it's valid. I think a lot of the ways in which we (my generation) was raised, our feelings weren't validated. That can change with conscious parenting.
Now sometimes that "No" can back fire lol when I'm asking him to pick up his mess and he says "No", I would never "pop his legs" or whoop him. I would ask him, and explain to him how he needs to clean his mess. I will even guide him to the mess and help him clean up until he does it on his own. See the old way of parenting would be I told you, you better do it now and if you don't you'd get yelled at or whooped. No, that's not how we're handling things.
The key thing to remember is kids, are humans just as we are. They have good days, not so good days, they have moods, emotions, feelings, hormones just as adults do. They just don''t know how to mange them or express them yet. It's our job as parents to support them when it comes to expressing and managing their emotions/feelings etc..
Yes they are our children, but they aren't our property, we can't force them to do anything or be anyway. All we can do is our best to nurture and guide them along this life journey. You give respect and you will receive it. You don't need to instill fear to get respect,
Also let me just say this as it pertains to infants. You can't spoil a baby, a baby can NOT manipulate you. Letting them "cry it out" is neglect. Co sleeping is perfectly fine! Your baby needs to be nurtured and as a parent that is what you should do! Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about nurturing your kids.
I hope my good intentions were met with whomever is reading this.
I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best, to be the best parent I can be to my sons.
Ase'
If you love someone tell them.
I love you all.
Sincerely,
Destaynee
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